The other day one of my acquaintances, the wife of a soldier in My Husband's unit, wanted to know if the male trainers at our mutual gym are always asking how I am and offering me free samples of smoothies from the smoothie bar. Apparently she has a hard time getting through her workout without being interrupted by men at the gym (both employees and fellow customers).
This has not happened to me. Ever. It's possibly because I hate going to the gym and I'm probably wearing my scowl-y face through my entire workout, but still. Her comment kind of made me feel like there's something undesirable about me. I'm always hearing these stories about women never getting asked out and then the get married and all of a sudden guys are all over them. Not for me.
So I spent some time stewing over it, lamenting my un-flirt-worthy persona, when it hit me: friendly, handsome guys NEVER flirt with me. They never have. So why should now be any different than when I was 19?
Perhaps I should clarify that...there have been perfectly nice men that I've had some kind of relationship with (more than hooking up, less than going steady), but if I recall correctly I'm always the one who did the pursuing. No guy has ever run into me "accidentally on purpose" at a bookstore or invited me for drinks to a bar with his friends. I've been hit on, certainly. In very crude and leering ways. But those are not the kind of guys you bring home to your mother.
This led me to another realization: romantic comedies have FUCKED UP MY BRAIN. It's not realistic to expect a 6-foot-tall Ivy League educated athlete with a killer smile and interesting career to ignore all the models throwing themselves at him and chat me up in a coffee shop (thank you very much, Patrick Wilson of Morning Glory) and then look disappointed yet resigned when he finds out I'm married. And maybe pine for me just a little from afar.
In fact, I'd have to say the only handsome athlete with a strong character and a sense of humor to ever flirt with me is My Husband.
Does this make me sound ungrateful? I don't mean to be ungrateful. I know very well My Husband is way out of my league and with his looks and his steady paycheck he could have any woman he wants.
I shudder at the thought (as should all women reading this sentence), but I've been raised to desire un-creepy male attention and having My Husband gone all the time leaves that severely lacking in my life.
So I guess I just have to have my little Gigi from He Just Not That Into You moment and convince myself swoonworthy men don't swoop into my life and then bow out of it gracefully just to boost my confidence.
Life is not a Reese Witherspoon film, after all.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Friday, August 12, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Alone Again
After a three week hiatus, My Husband's unit is back in the field (this makes all of May, June and half of July away from home). Overnight stays, no phone calls, the whole shebang.
I actually got to see him for lunch today...he came home to eat and shower after an interview with a General (he's up for the position of an aide). I haven't spoken to him in three days so I thought it would be nice to catch up a little.
My Husband was very distracted and tired. It's hard to talk to him when he's like this, since I feel like I'm burdening him with the details of my day.
I feel stupid even telling you this, but here's my example:
I've always secretly wanted to learn to sing. My older sister had flute lessons and my younger sister had piano lessons, but my parents were afraid music lessons of any kind for me would encourage me in my "impractical aspirations" to be an actor. So now that I'm out of my parents' house, I've been researching voice coaches and chose one in the neighborhood to work with.
It's exceptionally nerve-wracking for me...I have zero confidence in my voice and I've been regularly told I'm tone deaf. Plus, this is something I really care about, you know, so I want to be good at it. I was a wreck.
But my lesson went really well and I like my teacher a lot. I told My Husband all about it and showed him my "homework," a song she wants me to learn. As I sat at the table, singing it under my breath and trying to figure out how to read the music, My Husband shushed me. Put his finger to his lips and shushed me like I was a toddler in time-out.
He was on the phone with his Commanding Officer (CO) and instead of moving away from me, he decided I should be the one to be quiet.
Then he kissed me and went back to work.
And it's so stupid, I know. I mean, the man is trying to work, dammit. He's in the field all the time, he's tired and he's filthy and he's stressed.
But I feel insignificant. I feel invisible.
I wonder why it's harder to deal with his absences when he's home than when he's deployed. When he's overseas, he depends so much on seeing me and hearing about the inane details of my inane life I feel really...necessary. But here it's like being teased. He's home but he's never really home...he's sleeping or decompressing or thinking about work. So I can see him but I can never really reach him.
I mean, My Husband doesn't even read this blog.
So what do I do? I go to the shelter and walk the dogs. I read. I watch TV. I reset the wireless Internet after thunderstorms. I send Sympathy cards. I shop for groceries. I go to the gym. I try to focus on myself, but I didn't fall and love and get married to focus on myself.
I actually got to see him for lunch today...he came home to eat and shower after an interview with a General (he's up for the position of an aide). I haven't spoken to him in three days so I thought it would be nice to catch up a little.
My Husband was very distracted and tired. It's hard to talk to him when he's like this, since I feel like I'm burdening him with the details of my day.
I feel stupid even telling you this, but here's my example:
I've always secretly wanted to learn to sing. My older sister had flute lessons and my younger sister had piano lessons, but my parents were afraid music lessons of any kind for me would encourage me in my "impractical aspirations" to be an actor. So now that I'm out of my parents' house, I've been researching voice coaches and chose one in the neighborhood to work with.
It's exceptionally nerve-wracking for me...I have zero confidence in my voice and I've been regularly told I'm tone deaf. Plus, this is something I really care about, you know, so I want to be good at it. I was a wreck.
But my lesson went really well and I like my teacher a lot. I told My Husband all about it and showed him my "homework," a song she wants me to learn. As I sat at the table, singing it under my breath and trying to figure out how to read the music, My Husband shushed me. Put his finger to his lips and shushed me like I was a toddler in time-out.
He was on the phone with his Commanding Officer (CO) and instead of moving away from me, he decided I should be the one to be quiet.
Then he kissed me and went back to work.
And it's so stupid, I know. I mean, the man is trying to work, dammit. He's in the field all the time, he's tired and he's filthy and he's stressed.
But I feel insignificant. I feel invisible.
I wonder why it's harder to deal with his absences when he's home than when he's deployed. When he's overseas, he depends so much on seeing me and hearing about the inane details of my inane life I feel really...necessary. But here it's like being teased. He's home but he's never really home...he's sleeping or decompressing or thinking about work. So I can see him but I can never really reach him.
I mean, My Husband doesn't even read this blog.
So what do I do? I go to the shelter and walk the dogs. I read. I watch TV. I reset the wireless Internet after thunderstorms. I send Sympathy cards. I shop for groceries. I go to the gym. I try to focus on myself, but I didn't fall and love and get married to focus on myself.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
In-Law Visit
My Husband and I just got home from a few days visiting his family in Chicago, Illinois. His sister India and her husband Stuart live there with their daughter Lena (she just turned 2 years old). So My Husband's parents and his oldest brother Holden drove in from Pennsylvania to meet us there.
It was...an experience, as all these visits tend to be. Luckily for me I seem to be developing a sort of desensitization to their various antics. My Husband's family has no boundaries (no topic is taboo, no closed door means privacy) and they are all, in general, very nice but angry people who would benefit immensely from therapy.
My Husband's mother is a tough woman who grew up in the Philadelphia projects with her single mother and two siblings. Her father's abandonment left her with some serious scars that her marriage made worse.
My mother-in-law met and got pregnant by My Husband's father when she just barely 20. My father-in-laws family, very traditional and more on the moneyed side, didn't approve of the match at all. But all parties were Catholic and marriage was the only option.
My father-in-law is an alcoholic. He's good-natured but incredibly selfish and was unfaithful to my mother-in-law during spats in their marriage (something I've never told anyone). She became very insular and focused on her five children, glossing over their mistakes and trumpeting their successes.
Holden is angry and an alcoholic like his father. He's handsome and charming but incredibly disappointed that his life did not turn out how he planned it (marriage and children) and is consistently jealous of My Husband and insecure about his place in the universe.
India has a judgemental streak a mile wide; which is slightly ridiculous since her family hated Stuart and are still disappointed their relationship is successful. She was convinced I was not good enough for My Husband and, quite frankly, never let me forget it for their first three years we were dating. Marriage and motherhood has mellowed her out, but she's still desperate for reinforcement that she's raising her child properly.
Middle brother Dorian and youngest Charles were not there, so I'll save their paragraphs for another time.
Anyway, the only real hitches in the weekend were the fact that India is pregnant again...a sore spot for me, since we're trying and have been so far unsuccessful. My visit to my grandmother's grave (my father was raised in Chicago) was spoiled by everyone's insistence on accompanying me...nothing like trying to have a moment with your dead grandma while hosting some kind of macabre field trip.
Holden spent a good part of the next day pissed at me...India and Stuart invited their aunt & uncle (my father-in-law's brother) who live just outside the city, to dinner. India and her parents took Lena to gymnastics and the boys were out drinking, leaving me alone in the house to prepare for guests. The boys (Holden, Stuart and My Husband) were TWO HOURS late, leaving me alone with the aunt & uncle for about an hour in a house that wasn't mine and was devoid of most supplies necessary for entertaining.
I called My Husband to see were they were and let him know I was put out about the situation...I guess he was upset enough to try and rush the guys home. Apparently Holden didn't appreciate my "demands," that their time together was cut short as well as the fact that I only set out two plates of hors d'oeurves. I overheard him complain to his mother that he and Stuart "set out everything" when they got home.
Oh, did I mention that Stuart had the list of antipasti India wanted out and where she wanted it? Damn, I've gotta get my mind-reading abilities in check.
He's just a pissy man and I pretty much hate him right now. In the past, similar feelings of disapproval about my behavior would have sent me into tears...I hate disappointing people...but I think I may be getting a little more used to their outrageous expectations and can deal with them more effectively. I'm trying to focus on the fact that no matter what I do, someone is going to be mad at me...had I set up the table perfectly Holden would have complained to his mother that I'm full of myself and think I can throw a better party than them.
But just the idea that every single family visit is going to have some kind of instance like this makes me...exhausted.
It was...an experience, as all these visits tend to be. Luckily for me I seem to be developing a sort of desensitization to their various antics. My Husband's family has no boundaries (no topic is taboo, no closed door means privacy) and they are all, in general, very nice but angry people who would benefit immensely from therapy.
My Husband's mother is a tough woman who grew up in the Philadelphia projects with her single mother and two siblings. Her father's abandonment left her with some serious scars that her marriage made worse.
My mother-in-law met and got pregnant by My Husband's father when she just barely 20. My father-in-laws family, very traditional and more on the moneyed side, didn't approve of the match at all. But all parties were Catholic and marriage was the only option.
My father-in-law is an alcoholic. He's good-natured but incredibly selfish and was unfaithful to my mother-in-law during spats in their marriage (something I've never told anyone). She became very insular and focused on her five children, glossing over their mistakes and trumpeting their successes.
Holden is angry and an alcoholic like his father. He's handsome and charming but incredibly disappointed that his life did not turn out how he planned it (marriage and children) and is consistently jealous of My Husband and insecure about his place in the universe.
India has a judgemental streak a mile wide; which is slightly ridiculous since her family hated Stuart and are still disappointed their relationship is successful. She was convinced I was not good enough for My Husband and, quite frankly, never let me forget it for their first three years we were dating. Marriage and motherhood has mellowed her out, but she's still desperate for reinforcement that she's raising her child properly.
Middle brother Dorian and youngest Charles were not there, so I'll save their paragraphs for another time.
Anyway, the only real hitches in the weekend were the fact that India is pregnant again...a sore spot for me, since we're trying and have been so far unsuccessful. My visit to my grandmother's grave (my father was raised in Chicago) was spoiled by everyone's insistence on accompanying me...nothing like trying to have a moment with your dead grandma while hosting some kind of macabre field trip.
Holden spent a good part of the next day pissed at me...India and Stuart invited their aunt & uncle (my father-in-law's brother) who live just outside the city, to dinner. India and her parents took Lena to gymnastics and the boys were out drinking, leaving me alone in the house to prepare for guests. The boys (Holden, Stuart and My Husband) were TWO HOURS late, leaving me alone with the aunt & uncle for about an hour in a house that wasn't mine and was devoid of most supplies necessary for entertaining.
I called My Husband to see were they were and let him know I was put out about the situation...I guess he was upset enough to try and rush the guys home. Apparently Holden didn't appreciate my "demands," that their time together was cut short as well as the fact that I only set out two plates of hors d'oeurves. I overheard him complain to his mother that he and Stuart "set out everything" when they got home.
Oh, did I mention that Stuart had the list of antipasti India wanted out and where she wanted it? Damn, I've gotta get my mind-reading abilities in check.
He's just a pissy man and I pretty much hate him right now. In the past, similar feelings of disapproval about my behavior would have sent me into tears...I hate disappointing people...but I think I may be getting a little more used to their outrageous expectations and can deal with them more effectively. I'm trying to focus on the fact that no matter what I do, someone is going to be mad at me...had I set up the table perfectly Holden would have complained to his mother that I'm full of myself and think I can throw a better party than them.
But just the idea that every single family visit is going to have some kind of instance like this makes me...exhausted.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Vegas Vacation
Apologies for the radio silence. I spent last weekend rocking out in Las Vegas with a friend from Major Metropolitan University and a bunch of her friends from the MBA program she attended afterward.
It was my very first trip to Vegas and officially the furthest West I've ever been. I had a really good time...the trip started out with more of our friends from college, but they dropped out during the planning stages. So it turned out to be just me with a bunch of these young professional, MBA, high stakes kind of people.
Don't get me wrong, all of them were exceptionally nice to me. They asked a number of times where My Husband was and why I didn't bring him (as I said before, when I booked it it was supposed to be a girls-weekend thing) and asking me about myself and my life. In fact, for most of the first day I was without the mutual buffer that is my college friend.
The only real issue we came up against was money. Everyone there had been working for years...and we're talking actual PROFESSIONS...Adidas Corporate, the Arizona Diamondbacks, Bank of America, etc. They've got money. I don't. I never really have.
But they never ever, let me feel left out. Between airfare and food and clubbing and all that, though, I'm still dealing with a trip that cost more than $500 a day. Even if it was an amazing trip (at LAVO, we had our own table with our own security guard. How cool is that?).
On another note, it was pretty illuminating to see my friend from college and how easy she was with this group, almost all of which was men. I've never been able to have long-lasting, affectionate and platonic relationships with men. I've tried. For some reason, it just doesn't work for me.
I'm assuming it's my fault. Until I went to college I thought it was unacceptable to share a bed with a guy when you weren't planning to sleep with him. I hadn't the slightest clue what "cuddling" was. Frankly, all my interactions with straight men had to do with them trying to get my clothes off (and before you sneer at my overconfidence, it was less because of the way I looked and more because I was a well-known virgin and a worthwhile conquest).
I had two major attempts to have male friends in college. The first was from junior to senior year...a guy I worked with at the university's sports arena and I became close enough to hang out together outside the office. We saw movies, we went to parties, we had fun at events. We had a bunch of mutual friends, so that helped. The last Tuesday before graduation, he got drunk at a bar we were at and told me I was the biggest tease he'd ever met and he wondered aloud why I needed everyone to be in love with me. I haven't spoken to him since.
After that, I made friends with the graduate student speaker at our commencement (I was the undergrad speaker). As we were going our separate ways, we stayed in touch via email for months. That is until I sent him an email about my boyfriend (now My Husband) and he simply stopped contacting me. Just like that.
So I haven't tried since. I know guys...most of them are dating female friends of mine or they're friends of the guys dating female friends of mine. But that's it. And I always used to tell myself men and women couldn't be real friends without wanting to hook up with one another or already having hooked up with one another. Seeing the goings on in Las Vegas, that's just not true.
My sisters have had male friends. Like, real male friends they can call and talk to...ones who buy them birthday presents and send them Facebook messages. And they grew up the exact same way I did.
But not me. What's wrong with me?
It was my very first trip to Vegas and officially the furthest West I've ever been. I had a really good time...the trip started out with more of our friends from college, but they dropped out during the planning stages. So it turned out to be just me with a bunch of these young professional, MBA, high stakes kind of people.
Don't get me wrong, all of them were exceptionally nice to me. They asked a number of times where My Husband was and why I didn't bring him (as I said before, when I booked it it was supposed to be a girls-weekend thing) and asking me about myself and my life. In fact, for most of the first day I was without the mutual buffer that is my college friend.
The only real issue we came up against was money. Everyone there had been working for years...and we're talking actual PROFESSIONS...Adidas Corporate, the Arizona Diamondbacks, Bank of America, etc. They've got money. I don't. I never really have.
But they never ever, let me feel left out. Between airfare and food and clubbing and all that, though, I'm still dealing with a trip that cost more than $500 a day. Even if it was an amazing trip (at LAVO, we had our own table with our own security guard. How cool is that?).
On another note, it was pretty illuminating to see my friend from college and how easy she was with this group, almost all of which was men. I've never been able to have long-lasting, affectionate and platonic relationships with men. I've tried. For some reason, it just doesn't work for me.
I'm assuming it's my fault. Until I went to college I thought it was unacceptable to share a bed with a guy when you weren't planning to sleep with him. I hadn't the slightest clue what "cuddling" was. Frankly, all my interactions with straight men had to do with them trying to get my clothes off (and before you sneer at my overconfidence, it was less because of the way I looked and more because I was a well-known virgin and a worthwhile conquest).
I had two major attempts to have male friends in college. The first was from junior to senior year...a guy I worked with at the university's sports arena and I became close enough to hang out together outside the office. We saw movies, we went to parties, we had fun at events. We had a bunch of mutual friends, so that helped. The last Tuesday before graduation, he got drunk at a bar we were at and told me I was the biggest tease he'd ever met and he wondered aloud why I needed everyone to be in love with me. I haven't spoken to him since.
After that, I made friends with the graduate student speaker at our commencement (I was the undergrad speaker). As we were going our separate ways, we stayed in touch via email for months. That is until I sent him an email about my boyfriend (now My Husband) and he simply stopped contacting me. Just like that.
So I haven't tried since. I know guys...most of them are dating female friends of mine or they're friends of the guys dating female friends of mine. But that's it. And I always used to tell myself men and women couldn't be real friends without wanting to hook up with one another or already having hooked up with one another. Seeing the goings on in Las Vegas, that's just not true.
My sisters have had male friends. Like, real male friends they can call and talk to...ones who buy them birthday presents and send them Facebook messages. And they grew up the exact same way I did.
But not me. What's wrong with me?
Sunday, March 6, 2011
The "List"
Have you guys ever played that game where you make a list of the celebrities you’re “allowed” to sleep with no matter what kind of actual relationship you’re in? You may remember it as a storyline on a second-season episode of Friends (with Ross' laminated list and a guest spot by Isabella Rossellini).
When I was in college we used to sit at the university-exclusive (no entry without an ID) pub and discuss it with everyone who popped in for a sandwich and a beer. It made for some interesting conversation and seems to be a great way to figure out what attracts you to the opposite (or same) sex.
My personal list has morphed slightly over the years: Colin Farrell was on the original but got bumped when he grew out that greasy hair…Bear Grylls of Discovery Channel fame was there for a while but I crossed him off after watching him anally rehydrate himself with his own urine. Even fake relationships can only handle so much.
Still, it’s pretty easy to see I have a type. Google some photos of these guys...it'll make your day better, I promise:
1. MARK VALLEY, actor (mostly television): Valley may be best known for his turn on Boston Legal, but I fell in love with him on Fox’s Keen Eddie years ago. The show didn’t last but the DVDs are worth the Netflix…Keen Eddie was Sienna Miller’s American television debut. He currently plays the main character on Fox’s Human Target. The guy is basically the personification of testosterone. His build, his face and his voice are all completely and deliciously male. Plus he’s an army veteran. Catching on to my type yet?
2. MIKE ROWE, “media personality”: Rowe is another example of my addiction to classic masculinity. His degree is in Communications and he’s done extensive television work, including developing and hosting Dirty Jobs on the Discovery Channel. He’s funny, loyal (his crew’s been the same from the get-go) and he loves his mom. And I’m a sucker for a nice baritone.
3. NICHOLAS GONZALEZ, actor (TV & movies): I first noticed Gonzalez when he was a visiting detective on a mission on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Then he popped up on my Grey’s Anatomy successor Off the Map. Turns out he’s not only a hottie, but an exceptional student with a degree from Stanford and two terms at Oxford under his belt. His character on Off the Map grows cocaine, but obviously I’m hoping that won’t result in a police shootout death scene anytime soon.
4. ANDREW LEE POTTS, actor (British TV & movies): As the anti-hero Hatter on Syfy Channel’s miniseries Alice, Lee Potts was introduced to legions of American fans even though he’s been on British TV for more than a decade. He’s a main cast member on ITV’s Primeval, about a team of scientists and students who travel around Britain catching creatures from the past and future that slip into our world through slits in time. If you’re interested, there’s a ton of original music videos celebrating his scenes from Alice (where he’s not only clever and quirky, but sits stoically through a torture session meant to break him) on Youtube.
5. CHRIS LEAK, football player (University of Florida & CFL): Even though his NFL dreams seem to continue getting waylaid, Leak is a very talented quarterback with a long history of academic achievement and volunteer work. Parade Magazine featured him as its 2003 High School Football Player of the Year, and I actually cut out his photo and kept it in my locker. It’s hard to make the Canadian Football League watchable, but Leak does it.
On Deck (I apparently have given this a lot of thought):
· RYAN LOCHTE, professional swimmer: I’ve always thought dancers have the best “feminine” figures and swimmers have the best “masculine” shapes. Lochte is an excellent example AND he has a face to match. He’s often overshadowed by Olympic teammate Michael Phelps, but his record at the University of Florida was stellar and he continues to be a real force in the swimming world. I also appreciate this upstate New Yorker’s ability to stay out of the spotlight, something Phelps has some trouble with.
Try this with your friends. You may be surprised at their answers and change some of your own J
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