In-Law Visit

My Husband and I just got home from a few days visiting his family in Chicago, Illinois.  His sister India and her husband Stuart live there with their daughter Lena (she just turned 2 years old).  So My Husband's parents and his oldest brother Holden drove in from Pennsylvania to meet us there.

It was...an experience, as all these visits tend to be.  Luckily for me I seem to be developing a sort of desensitization to their various antics.  My Husband's family has no boundaries (no topic is taboo, no closed door means privacy) and they are all, in general, very nice but angry people who would benefit immensely from therapy.

My Husband's mother is a tough woman who grew up in the Philadelphia projects with her single mother and two siblings.  Her father's abandonment left her with some serious scars that her marriage made worse.

My mother-in-law met and got pregnant by My Husband's father when she just barely 20.  My father-in-laws family, very traditional and more on the moneyed side, didn't approve of the match at all.  But all parties were Catholic and marriage was the only option.

My father-in-law is an alcoholic.  He's good-natured but incredibly selfish and was unfaithful to my mother-in-law during spats in their marriage (something I've never told anyone).  She became very insular and focused on her five children, glossing over their mistakes and trumpeting their successes.

Holden is angry and an alcoholic like his father.  He's handsome and charming but incredibly disappointed that his life did not turn out how he planned it (marriage and children) and is consistently jealous of My Husband and insecure about his place in the universe.

India has a judgemental streak a mile wide; which is slightly ridiculous since her family hated Stuart and are still disappointed their relationship is successful.  She was convinced I was not good enough for My Husband and, quite frankly, never let me forget it for their first three years we were dating.  Marriage and motherhood has mellowed her out, but she's still desperate for reinforcement that she's raising her child properly.

Middle brother Dorian and youngest Charles were not there, so I'll save their paragraphs for another time.

Anyway, the only real hitches in the weekend were the fact that India is pregnant again...a sore spot for me, since we're trying and have been so far unsuccessful.  My visit to my grandmother's grave (my father was raised in Chicago) was spoiled by everyone's insistence on accompanying me...nothing like trying to have a moment with your dead grandma while hosting some kind of macabre field trip.

Holden spent a good part of the next day pissed at me...India and Stuart invited their aunt & uncle (my father-in-law's brother) who live just outside the city, to dinner.  India and her parents took Lena to gymnastics and the boys were out drinking, leaving me alone in the house to prepare for guests.  The boys (Holden, Stuart and My Husband) were TWO HOURS late, leaving me alone with the aunt & uncle for about an hour in a house that wasn't mine and was devoid of most supplies necessary for entertaining. 

I called My Husband to see were they were and let him know I was put out about the situation...I guess he was upset enough to try and rush the guys home.  Apparently Holden didn't appreciate my "demands," that their time together was cut short as well as the fact that I only set out two plates of hors d'oeurves.  I overheard him complain to his mother that he and Stuart "set out everything" when they got home.

Oh, did I mention that Stuart had the list of antipasti India wanted out and where she wanted it?  Damn, I've gotta get my mind-reading abilities in check.

He's just a pissy man and I pretty much hate him right now.  In the past, similar feelings of disapproval about my behavior would have sent me into tears...I hate disappointing people...but I think I may be getting a little more used to their outrageous expectations and can deal with them more effectively.  I'm trying to focus on the fact that no matter what I do, someone is going to be mad at me...had I set up the table perfectly Holden would have complained to his mother that I'm full of myself and think I can throw a better party than them.

But just the idea that every single family visit is going to have some kind of instance like this makes me...exhausted.

Mother/Daughter Drama

Holden (older brother) called My Husband last night.

From what I assume is a half concerned/half passive-aggressive place, Holden gave My Husband a heads up about some recent drama between their mother and India (older sister) that involved us.

Apparently India didn't call their mother on Mother's Day last week.  When my mother-in-law called India the next day, she was miffed that India's husband Stuart (who the family pretty much hates) didn't talk to her on the phone as well.  When the two spoke again yesterday, they got into some kind of argument about how I sent pink lilies to my mother-in-law and made an effort to speak to her on Mother's Day and India didn't do a thing.

Holden told My Husband that he "didn't want to repeat her [India's] exact words," but that some disparaging things had been said about me and that India was angry and thought I was trying to show her up.

Surprisingly, I did not react very strongly to this development.  I'm regularly deflecting less-than-complimentary statements about how I'm perfect and get special treatment.  Last summer when My Husband's family set up a beach vacation for everyone, I asked if they could try and get a dog-friendly rental so I could bring Buoy.  Dorian called My Husband a few days later to harass him about how I was some kind of little princess who needed her dog with her 24/7. 

That's besides the fact that when My Husband and I were first dating, my first meeting with India ended with her getting drunk and asking My Husband why he'd rather spend time with "some whore" than with his own family.

Case in point, this is not the worse thing I've ever heard concerning my in-laws.

What really sucks is that I don't think India is ever going to really let me in...and frankly, I've never met a woman more in need of a sister then India.  My Husband and I are her best allies in the family (we both like her husband and support her marriage and her life in Chicago) and we're the guardians of her daughter should anything happen to them.

We were getting along so much better lately...that is, she hadn't said or done anything mean to me and I was starting to feel comfortable around her.  Now that's all blown.

And I know she's under a ton of pressure.  Her family judges her every move and regularly criticizes her choices.  I'm sure she's afraid My Husband's and my children will eclipse her daughter as the favorite Delaney babies.  And I bet she's pissed no matter how hard of a time I've had with them, I'm still here and making slow but steady progress.

But when I have a hard time, I deal.  When India has a hard time, she blames.  And I'm back to being her favorite target.

In-Lawlessness

My in-laws have discovered Skype.  I suggest you purchase stock.

Yesterday in our Mother's Day Skype session, My Husband and I were making nice with his mom, dad and two oldest brothers.  Holden (blond, handsome, angry, oldest) behaved himself very well.   Dorian (dark, artistic, stubborn, middlest) sat down, grinned at us and I and asked if I was menstruating.  He found this to be a clever, funny way to see if I was pregnant yet. 

I gaped, My Husband's mother gave Dorian a dirty look and repeated a number of times that "No one here talks about that; we don't discuss that at all," and My Husband shook his head and said told his brother that's a completely inappropriate thing to say.   Dorian said, "I'm joking," and My Husband replied, "It doesn't matter; that's so over the line."   Dorian huffed, "Fine then," and left.   We didn't see him again the rest of the conversation.

My mother-in-law continued to assure us they never discuss my fertility, which obviously means they do but she knows we find it to be a private topic unfit for general family conversation.  She and Holden talk about it on a regular basis...when My Husband left for Iraq she went fishing for information and told me over the phone they'd been trying to figure out when my cycle was to see if it was plausible My Husband knocked me up before deploying.  My reaction was one of alarm and she hasn't brought it up since.

The conversation went on pretty normally from there.  Afterward My Husband told me he was not happy with Dorian's remarks or the fact he's likely to stew about My Husband's sharp response and add it to his running list of Life Grievances.  Dorian's a grudgey sort.

For some reason the amount of serotonin in my brain was higher than usual and I was able to look at the bright side of this conversation: My Husband's mother was taking pains to keep us happy.  If the same sort of thing had happened a few years ago, she would have told My Husband he was overreacting and that Dorian didn't mean anything by it.  The look she gave him and the lack of reprimand toward us was a pretty positive step.  I think she's starting to realize her best bet for happily married children and pretty, polite, well-adjusted grandchildren is My Husband and me.

I've told you before Holden and Dorian have their own issues and show no signs of getting married in the next few years.  The only daughter, India, has a husband and a little girl but she bears the brunt of the family's judgement.  Everything from her parenting skills to her career to her finances comes under fire.  And her daughter gets a bit more bratty every day.  Comes from being the sole grandchild/niece of a very possessive family.

So it seems My Husband's mother has finally placed her bet on the right team, so to speak, and wants to stay on our good side.  As I'm sure there will be more juvenile behavior from his siblings in the future, I hope it stays that way.