Today dawned with yet another rejection of my writing, this time by British publishing house Mills & Boon. I entered their "New Voices" writing contest last month. They chose 21 pieces out of 1090 entries and I'm not one of them.
I probably should have known I wasn't going to make it...my entry only had 21 comments on it and a reader rating of 56%. Still, I worked really hard and was hoping my writing would turn some heads. Of course it didn't. Why did I let myself think that it could?
You know why? Because 16 years of school told me I was talented. Award-winning, speech-making, newspaper-article talented. But the second I graduated from college I started to fail.
Sixty job rejections my first year in the "real world." All sorts of writing...magazine pieces, children's books, news stories and romance novels...rejected. Marketing proposals, advertising pitches, radio spots...rejected, rejected, rejected. And I haven't even started to count the number of times my broadcast news resume (my tape) went unnoticed.
So here I am: pregnant, unemployed and continually shunned from working society. And all I can think about is spending the rest of my life raising kids, making dinner and doing laundry. I hate myself for being depressed at that idea, as keeping a home is something to be proud of, but I always imagined something more for myself. Is that because of some societal brainwashing? If this was 1949 would I revel in housework and caring for my husband and children? And since it's 2011, I've been raised to think myself a failure if I can't have a career and a family at the same time.
I came across an article today about a "mommy's salary" proposal in South Africa. Basically a successful female businesswoman wants stay-at-home moms to get 10% of their husband's salary in order to translate how important raising kids is (because the only way human beings appreciate anything is if it makes money).
So I guess I'm not totally crazy at imagining 18 years of thankless sacrifice as a mother minus a career. But it's not like I can share that with anyone but the four people who read this blog. Because you know what happens when you say that to stay-at-home moms? They rip your head off. Do you know what happens when you say that to career women? They pat you on the head and look at you with insufferable pity.
Ghastly.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Thanksgiving Travel
Seriously, I may cry.
I'm attempting to book flights for My Husband and I to visit my family this Thanksgiving (his family gets Christmas this year). Of course he doesn't get the Wednesday before Thanksgiving off, so I'm trying to book after 5pm since the closest airport is 2 hours away and return at some point on Sunday the 27th. Can I do this for under $1000? I think not. I may not be able to do this at all.
It's just so unfair. What gives the airlines the right to jack up their prices not only on holidays, but on the 10 days surrounding those holidays?! It's bad enough I'm 1500 miles from my family, most of whom I haven't seen since Christmas, but in order to visit them for a measly 4 days I have to take out a freaking bank loan to pay for it.
If I drive, I have to do it on my own since My Husband doesn't have enough time off to make the two-day trek. And of course every girl wants to be alone on a dark road in the middle of nowhere 5 months pregnant with her first child.
Sidenote: it's military policy that one cannot use one's vacation time in addition to authorized block leave. So if My Husband were to request Wednesday off as one of his built up vacation days, he'd be required to take the rest of the holiday weekend from his time as well. So we have the "choice" of using 0 vacation days or 5.
And even my "in" with Southwest is getting me nowhere...my free flight, courtesy of the amount of money I spend on my Southwest Visa Rewards Card, isn't valid for travel during the week of Thanksgiving. I had to use it on our Christmas flights (which I booked and still cost us $600 with my airtime being free).
THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID.
I hate this. I hate it. Why does air travel have to cost me a month and a half's rent? Because the airlines made some shitty deal with the oil companies when oil was $200 a barrel and now that it's way down they're still paying? Don't even get me started on the oil companies.
Of course I could forgo Southwest and pay the $100 round-trip bag fee on any other airline. I could ship our luggage to my parent's house, but the Postal Service may fold before it got there.
So here's my $1500...for a flight with at least one stop in the middle, getting felt up by security, a plane that won't leave or arrive on time and is more than likely overbooked, with a pilot who's on Facebook while flying, no food or drinks for free and a two-hour trek home after we land. Sign me the fuck up.
I'm so very unhappy with this situation. If I wasn't so stuck on spending THE ENTIRE CHRISTMAS holiday with my family next year instead of splitting it in half like last year and freaking having second Christmas at my mother-in-law's I'd call the whole thing off and just have Thanksgiving here.
But I haven't seen my family since I found out I was pregnant and I miss them something awful.
Love costs. Frankly, with the amount love has cost me in the past and undoubtedly will cost me in the future, I can't believe I have anything more to give.
I'm attempting to book flights for My Husband and I to visit my family this Thanksgiving (his family gets Christmas this year). Of course he doesn't get the Wednesday before Thanksgiving off, so I'm trying to book after 5pm since the closest airport is 2 hours away and return at some point on Sunday the 27th. Can I do this for under $1000? I think not. I may not be able to do this at all.
It's just so unfair. What gives the airlines the right to jack up their prices not only on holidays, but on the 10 days surrounding those holidays?! It's bad enough I'm 1500 miles from my family, most of whom I haven't seen since Christmas, but in order to visit them for a measly 4 days I have to take out a freaking bank loan to pay for it.
If I drive, I have to do it on my own since My Husband doesn't have enough time off to make the two-day trek. And of course every girl wants to be alone on a dark road in the middle of nowhere 5 months pregnant with her first child.
Sidenote: it's military policy that one cannot use one's vacation time in addition to authorized block leave. So if My Husband were to request Wednesday off as one of his built up vacation days, he'd be required to take the rest of the holiday weekend from his time as well. So we have the "choice" of using 0 vacation days or 5.
And even my "in" with Southwest is getting me nowhere...my free flight, courtesy of the amount of money I spend on my Southwest Visa Rewards Card, isn't valid for travel during the week of Thanksgiving. I had to use it on our Christmas flights (which I booked and still cost us $600 with my airtime being free).
THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID.
I hate this. I hate it. Why does air travel have to cost me a month and a half's rent? Because the airlines made some shitty deal with the oil companies when oil was $200 a barrel and now that it's way down they're still paying? Don't even get me started on the oil companies.
Of course I could forgo Southwest and pay the $100 round-trip bag fee on any other airline. I could ship our luggage to my parent's house, but the Postal Service may fold before it got there.
So here's my $1500...for a flight with at least one stop in the middle, getting felt up by security, a plane that won't leave or arrive on time and is more than likely overbooked, with a pilot who's on Facebook while flying, no food or drinks for free and a two-hour trek home after we land. Sign me the fuck up.
I'm so very unhappy with this situation. If I wasn't so stuck on spending THE ENTIRE CHRISTMAS holiday with my family next year instead of splitting it in half like last year and freaking having second Christmas at my mother-in-law's I'd call the whole thing off and just have Thanksgiving here.
But I haven't seen my family since I found out I was pregnant and I miss them something awful.
Love costs. Frankly, with the amount love has cost me in the past and undoubtedly will cost me in the future, I can't believe I have anything more to give.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Absence Makes the Heart Grow Something
Oh, America. Have you missed me?
The past month has been one of the most eventful of my life. I'm pregnant with my first child.
According to my math (we haven't had an ultrasound to confirm yet) I'm 9 weeks along and due on or around April 15, 2012. My nausea has been terrible, my fatigue a real chore. And I'm fat.
I know it's a miracle...hell, I've spent dozens of posts chronicling our attempts to conceive. Still, the physical symptoms are intense and it's hard to be super-excited.
My Husband IS super-excited, as is his family. His sister India is also pregnant (she's due March 30) and took our news much better than I expected. I was worried she'd feel like we're "stealing her thunder" or something, especially if we have a boy and she has another girl. They're desperate for a boy since they're convinced no girl could be any better than their first daughter, now about two years old.
If we have a boy and they have a girl, I think there will be some drama. If they have a boy and we have a boy, I think there will be some lesser drama since our boy will be the first one to carry the Delaney surname. Basically when it comes to My Husband's family I anticipate drama in some shape or form.
My family is excited, though a bit more dignified about it. My sisters are both very happy for me, and my parents are too...although they're less interested in the day-to-day business than my in-laws are.
So I'm reading my books and doing my research. I have a belly and no one can tell me I don't. My pants don't button. And my belly is HARD...no one ever mentioned that to me. It's like I have a piece of concrete under my belly button.
In other news, I have tentatively entered into the world of writing once again. I'm entering a story in a Mills & Boon "New Voices" contest. Mills & Boon is a British publishing company with ties to Harlequin in the United States; yes, my piece is a romance novel. Please read it, comment on it and vote for it at:
http://www.romanceisnotdead.com/
And to the half a dozen or so readers who continued to check back here all last month to see if I'd posted anything new...I thank you.
The past month has been one of the most eventful of my life. I'm pregnant with my first child.
According to my math (we haven't had an ultrasound to confirm yet) I'm 9 weeks along and due on or around April 15, 2012. My nausea has been terrible, my fatigue a real chore. And I'm fat.
I know it's a miracle...hell, I've spent dozens of posts chronicling our attempts to conceive. Still, the physical symptoms are intense and it's hard to be super-excited.
My Husband IS super-excited, as is his family. His sister India is also pregnant (she's due March 30) and took our news much better than I expected. I was worried she'd feel like we're "stealing her thunder" or something, especially if we have a boy and she has another girl. They're desperate for a boy since they're convinced no girl could be any better than their first daughter, now about two years old.
If we have a boy and they have a girl, I think there will be some drama. If they have a boy and we have a boy, I think there will be some lesser drama since our boy will be the first one to carry the Delaney surname. Basically when it comes to My Husband's family I anticipate drama in some shape or form.
My family is excited, though a bit more dignified about it. My sisters are both very happy for me, and my parents are too...although they're less interested in the day-to-day business than my in-laws are.
So I'm reading my books and doing my research. I have a belly and no one can tell me I don't. My pants don't button. And my belly is HARD...no one ever mentioned that to me. It's like I have a piece of concrete under my belly button.
In other news, I have tentatively entered into the world of writing once again. I'm entering a story in a Mills & Boon "New Voices" contest. Mills & Boon is a British publishing company with ties to Harlequin in the United States; yes, my piece is a romance novel. Please read it, comment on it and vote for it at:
http://www.romanceisnotdead.com/
And to the half a dozen or so readers who continued to check back here all last month to see if I'd posted anything new...I thank you.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
In-Law Visit
My Husband and I just got home from a few days visiting his family in Chicago, Illinois. His sister India and her husband Stuart live there with their daughter Lena (she just turned 2 years old). So My Husband's parents and his oldest brother Holden drove in from Pennsylvania to meet us there.
It was...an experience, as all these visits tend to be. Luckily for me I seem to be developing a sort of desensitization to their various antics. My Husband's family has no boundaries (no topic is taboo, no closed door means privacy) and they are all, in general, very nice but angry people who would benefit immensely from therapy.
My Husband's mother is a tough woman who grew up in the Philadelphia projects with her single mother and two siblings. Her father's abandonment left her with some serious scars that her marriage made worse.
My mother-in-law met and got pregnant by My Husband's father when she just barely 20. My father-in-laws family, very traditional and more on the moneyed side, didn't approve of the match at all. But all parties were Catholic and marriage was the only option.
My father-in-law is an alcoholic. He's good-natured but incredibly selfish and was unfaithful to my mother-in-law during spats in their marriage (something I've never told anyone). She became very insular and focused on her five children, glossing over their mistakes and trumpeting their successes.
Holden is angry and an alcoholic like his father. He's handsome and charming but incredibly disappointed that his life did not turn out how he planned it (marriage and children) and is consistently jealous of My Husband and insecure about his place in the universe.
India has a judgemental streak a mile wide; which is slightly ridiculous since her family hated Stuart and are still disappointed their relationship is successful. She was convinced I was not good enough for My Husband and, quite frankly, never let me forget it for their first three years we were dating. Marriage and motherhood has mellowed her out, but she's still desperate for reinforcement that she's raising her child properly.
Middle brother Dorian and youngest Charles were not there, so I'll save their paragraphs for another time.
Anyway, the only real hitches in the weekend were the fact that India is pregnant again...a sore spot for me, since we're trying and have been so far unsuccessful. My visit to my grandmother's grave (my father was raised in Chicago) was spoiled by everyone's insistence on accompanying me...nothing like trying to have a moment with your dead grandma while hosting some kind of macabre field trip.
Holden spent a good part of the next day pissed at me...India and Stuart invited their aunt & uncle (my father-in-law's brother) who live just outside the city, to dinner. India and her parents took Lena to gymnastics and the boys were out drinking, leaving me alone in the house to prepare for guests. The boys (Holden, Stuart and My Husband) were TWO HOURS late, leaving me alone with the aunt & uncle for about an hour in a house that wasn't mine and was devoid of most supplies necessary for entertaining.
I called My Husband to see were they were and let him know I was put out about the situation...I guess he was upset enough to try and rush the guys home. Apparently Holden didn't appreciate my "demands," that their time together was cut short as well as the fact that I only set out two plates of hors d'oeurves. I overheard him complain to his mother that he and Stuart "set out everything" when they got home.
Oh, did I mention that Stuart had the list of antipasti India wanted out and where she wanted it? Damn, I've gotta get my mind-reading abilities in check.
He's just a pissy man and I pretty much hate him right now. In the past, similar feelings of disapproval about my behavior would have sent me into tears...I hate disappointing people...but I think I may be getting a little more used to their outrageous expectations and can deal with them more effectively. I'm trying to focus on the fact that no matter what I do, someone is going to be mad at me...had I set up the table perfectly Holden would have complained to his mother that I'm full of myself and think I can throw a better party than them.
But just the idea that every single family visit is going to have some kind of instance like this makes me...exhausted.
It was...an experience, as all these visits tend to be. Luckily for me I seem to be developing a sort of desensitization to their various antics. My Husband's family has no boundaries (no topic is taboo, no closed door means privacy) and they are all, in general, very nice but angry people who would benefit immensely from therapy.
My Husband's mother is a tough woman who grew up in the Philadelphia projects with her single mother and two siblings. Her father's abandonment left her with some serious scars that her marriage made worse.
My mother-in-law met and got pregnant by My Husband's father when she just barely 20. My father-in-laws family, very traditional and more on the moneyed side, didn't approve of the match at all. But all parties were Catholic and marriage was the only option.
My father-in-law is an alcoholic. He's good-natured but incredibly selfish and was unfaithful to my mother-in-law during spats in their marriage (something I've never told anyone). She became very insular and focused on her five children, glossing over their mistakes and trumpeting their successes.
Holden is angry and an alcoholic like his father. He's handsome and charming but incredibly disappointed that his life did not turn out how he planned it (marriage and children) and is consistently jealous of My Husband and insecure about his place in the universe.
India has a judgemental streak a mile wide; which is slightly ridiculous since her family hated Stuart and are still disappointed their relationship is successful. She was convinced I was not good enough for My Husband and, quite frankly, never let me forget it for their first three years we were dating. Marriage and motherhood has mellowed her out, but she's still desperate for reinforcement that she's raising her child properly.
Middle brother Dorian and youngest Charles were not there, so I'll save their paragraphs for another time.
Anyway, the only real hitches in the weekend were the fact that India is pregnant again...a sore spot for me, since we're trying and have been so far unsuccessful. My visit to my grandmother's grave (my father was raised in Chicago) was spoiled by everyone's insistence on accompanying me...nothing like trying to have a moment with your dead grandma while hosting some kind of macabre field trip.
Holden spent a good part of the next day pissed at me...India and Stuart invited their aunt & uncle (my father-in-law's brother) who live just outside the city, to dinner. India and her parents took Lena to gymnastics and the boys were out drinking, leaving me alone in the house to prepare for guests. The boys (Holden, Stuart and My Husband) were TWO HOURS late, leaving me alone with the aunt & uncle for about an hour in a house that wasn't mine and was devoid of most supplies necessary for entertaining.
I called My Husband to see were they were and let him know I was put out about the situation...I guess he was upset enough to try and rush the guys home. Apparently Holden didn't appreciate my "demands," that their time together was cut short as well as the fact that I only set out two plates of hors d'oeurves. I overheard him complain to his mother that he and Stuart "set out everything" when they got home.
Oh, did I mention that Stuart had the list of antipasti India wanted out and where she wanted it? Damn, I've gotta get my mind-reading abilities in check.
He's just a pissy man and I pretty much hate him right now. In the past, similar feelings of disapproval about my behavior would have sent me into tears...I hate disappointing people...but I think I may be getting a little more used to their outrageous expectations and can deal with them more effectively. I'm trying to focus on the fact that no matter what I do, someone is going to be mad at me...had I set up the table perfectly Holden would have complained to his mother that I'm full of myself and think I can throw a better party than them.
But just the idea that every single family visit is going to have some kind of instance like this makes me...exhausted.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Carolina in My Mind
 |
| Grapevines |
I wore a spring green v-neck dress with a draped tulip skirt from Spiegel and got a lot of compliments on it. I think it made up for my rehearsal dinner outfit...a black sleeveless top and black satin cigarette pants with bronze pumps and a bronze belt. Among all the southern belles in their sundresses and straw hats in the restaurant I looked like I was starring in a one woman off-Broadway show full of bad poetry and vagina euphemisms.
 |
| Ceremony |
My Husband set up our hotel room as the gathering place, so couples were filing in and out at all hours pretty much the whole weekend. Apparently it had the word CONFESSIONAL over the door, too, because one afternoon when My Husband was in the shower the groom's older brother (and best man) came in and spilled his guts to me between swigs of Maker's Mark. Apparently he hates Christie and would never in a million years have been enthusiastic about standing up for his brother at the altar.
Seriously, why do people tell me these things?
So I had to stand at the mirror and put on my make up while making appropriate-yet-non-committal sympathetic noises about how Christie hasn't done anything to ingratiate herself into the family, how she and John's sister don't speak and how he wishes John would just call the whole thing off. But, in some kind of martyred spirit of brotherliness he's going through with being involved in the ceremony because he just wants his brother to be happy and however unfortunate it is, Christie is the person who accomplishes that.
So let me step up on my soapbox for a minute and express my deep and long-standing belief that all siblings and friends of people in serious relationships should KEEP THEIR NEGATIVE OPINIONS TO THEMSELVES AND SHUT THE HELL UP. Is the significant other of you loved one abusive? Is he/she forcing them to sever ties with family and friends? Is this significant other a violent religious fanatic or anarchist? Is he or she regularly stealing money or property from your loved one, or cheating, or involved in high risk illegal activities?
If not, then I repeat: SHUT THE HELL UP.
I am so over unsupportive siblings, family members and friends. Just because she's not the person you'd pick doesn't mean she's not perfect for your loved one. Newsflash: everyone is different. You don't have to be friends, but you damn sure have to be civil and not act like being your brother's best man is akin to getting railroad spikes driven through your pupils.
Maybe she's antisocial (or maybe she's shy). Maybe she shuts herself up in her house (or maybe she has anxiety about large crowds). Maybe her sense of humor is off (or maybe what you think is funny is off). Whatever. IT DOESN'T MATTER. In this situation YOU DO NOT MATTER.
Try and focus on...oh, I don't know...the people getting married. Who put out this memo that a wedding is about absolutely everyone involved and invited except the bride and groom? I want to kick that person in the teeth.
Anyway.
We're home now and My Husband is back to work. I'm off from the shelter this week because our Spousal Spur Ride (more on that later) is Friday and I don't want to completely suck through the whole thing. Hope you all had a great Memorial Day.
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