Today dawned with yet another rejection of my writing, this time by British publishing house Mills & Boon. I entered their "New Voices" writing contest last month. They chose 21 pieces out of 1090 entries and I'm not one of them.
I probably should have known I wasn't going to make it...my entry only had 21 comments on it and a reader rating of 56%. Still, I worked really hard and was hoping my writing would turn some heads. Of course it didn't. Why did I let myself think that it could?
You know why? Because 16 years of school told me I was talented. Award-winning, speech-making, newspaper-article talented. But the second I graduated from college I started to fail.
Sixty job rejections my first year in the "real world." All sorts of writing...magazine pieces, children's books, news stories and romance novels...rejected. Marketing proposals, advertising pitches, radio spots...rejected, rejected, rejected. And I haven't even started to count the number of times my broadcast news resume (my tape) went unnoticed.
So here I am: pregnant, unemployed and continually shunned from working society. And all I can think about is spending the rest of my life raising kids, making dinner and doing laundry. I hate myself for being depressed at that idea, as keeping a home is something to be proud of, but I always imagined something more for myself. Is that because of some societal brainwashing? If this was 1949 would I revel in housework and caring for my husband and children? And since it's 2011, I've been raised to think myself a failure if I can't have a career and a family at the same time.
I came across an article today about a "mommy's salary" proposal in South Africa. Basically a successful female businesswoman wants stay-at-home moms to get 10% of their husband's salary in order to translate how important raising kids is (because the only way human beings appreciate anything is if it makes money).
So I guess I'm not totally crazy at imagining 18 years of thankless sacrifice as a mother minus a career. But it's not like I can share that with anyone but the four people who read this blog. Because you know what happens when you say that to stay-at-home moms? They rip your head off. Do you know what happens when you say that to career women? They pat you on the head and look at you with insufferable pity.
Ghastly.
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Baby Talk Part Deux: A Decision
On Saturday My Husband ran in an annual St. Patrick's Day 10K here in town. He placed 45th out of about 1500 people. In case you couldn't tell, he's a runner...track & field all through high school and college.
Afterward he was feeling pretty sore so we spent the rest of the evening at home relaxing. Eventually our conversation turned to starting a family, and we actually made a decision.
I'm going off birth control in April, May, June and possibly July. If we get pregnant, we get pregnant. If we don't, then I'm going back on birth control.
We came to this conclusion after My Husband's superiors informed him his squad is more than likely deploying to Afghanistan in April 2012. July 2011 is nine months from April 2012, so that was the stop marker we decided on. He and I both would rather not my due date be right around the time he's scheduled to go overseas.
We also discussed waiting until his five year contract with the army is up...but he wants to make it to Company Commander, which is probably a seven year stint. My Husband told me he didn't want to wait that long to start a family. Sidenote: I know it's all the hormones flying around in my brain after thousands of years of evolution, but I can think of only a few things sexier than the man you love telling you he wants to have children with you.
I suggested we look at the approximate timeline for the next few years. I'm quite the control freak and I would probably plan this out until Judgement Day. My Husband, wisely, pointed out the futility of this...we're an Army family. You never really know what's coming, and if we attempted to map out every detail based on a "perfect" scenario we'd go insane. I told him I don't know if I could leave such a major decision in God's hands.
My Husband said, "Lark, it's already in God's hands. You're only accepting what's already true."
His serenity amazes me sometimes.
I asked him if he was prepared to miss our baby's "firsts": rolling over, talking, walking. He told me it would hurt but it was worth it to know we had a family of our own. Afghanistan, of course, is a completely different deployment than Iraq. He may shut himself off emotionally the entire year in order to deal with it, which will prevent him from pining for his wife and child.
I told him I would only agree to this if he acknowledged that if I thought our little family wasn't "meshing" when he returned, we'd go to counselling immediately. He consented. So this is where we're at. I feel like I've just chosen a college...I'm excited and terrified and can't wait to begin but desperately want everything to stay exactly the same.
PROS/CONS of Our Decision:
PROS:
1. Having a baby with the love of my life!
2. Having a baby at a young enough age where the problems (hopefully) are minimal.
3. Pregnancy at a time where my husband can be there for me.
4. Possibly having a newborn while he's home as well.
5. Getting to be a mom.
6. Getting everyone's attention almost all the time.
7. Above deserves two spots. I love attention.
8. Focusing on my own health and well-being because I'm focusing on the baby's.
9. Hormones making me beautiful (hopefully).
10. Not being fat pregnant through the heat of summer.
11. A due date in the winter/early spring with a good chunk of time to lose pounds before summer.
12. Having people do things for me because of the belly.
13. Maybe not even getting pregnant at all.
CONS:
1. OH. MY. GOD. I'm gonna be a mom.
2. My Husband possibly missing all our baby's firsts.
3. Being alone with a newborn.
4. Having a newborn while My Husband's deployed...can't wallow like I did last round.
5. Oh, the responsibility...
6. Dealing with My Husband's mom for 12 months. Alone. "No, Mom, I don't think you should move in with me to 'help out.'"
7. Being the only one of my friends/sisters with a child. Talk about being a guinea pig.
There are more PROS than CONS and all the PROS are big and most of the CONS are nitty-gritty. Plus, the idea is that if we do get pregnant in the next few months, it means that God knows I can handle it. If I can just keep reminding myself of that...
Stay tuned. Things in my life are getting serious.
Afterward he was feeling pretty sore so we spent the rest of the evening at home relaxing. Eventually our conversation turned to starting a family, and we actually made a decision.
I'm going off birth control in April, May, June and possibly July. If we get pregnant, we get pregnant. If we don't, then I'm going back on birth control.
We came to this conclusion after My Husband's superiors informed him his squad is more than likely deploying to Afghanistan in April 2012. July 2011 is nine months from April 2012, so that was the stop marker we decided on. He and I both would rather not my due date be right around the time he's scheduled to go overseas.
We also discussed waiting until his five year contract with the army is up...but he wants to make it to Company Commander, which is probably a seven year stint. My Husband told me he didn't want to wait that long to start a family. Sidenote: I know it's all the hormones flying around in my brain after thousands of years of evolution, but I can think of only a few things sexier than the man you love telling you he wants to have children with you.
I suggested we look at the approximate timeline for the next few years. I'm quite the control freak and I would probably plan this out until Judgement Day. My Husband, wisely, pointed out the futility of this...we're an Army family. You never really know what's coming, and if we attempted to map out every detail based on a "perfect" scenario we'd go insane. I told him I don't know if I could leave such a major decision in God's hands.
My Husband said, "Lark, it's already in God's hands. You're only accepting what's already true."
His serenity amazes me sometimes.
I asked him if he was prepared to miss our baby's "firsts": rolling over, talking, walking. He told me it would hurt but it was worth it to know we had a family of our own. Afghanistan, of course, is a completely different deployment than Iraq. He may shut himself off emotionally the entire year in order to deal with it, which will prevent him from pining for his wife and child.
I told him I would only agree to this if he acknowledged that if I thought our little family wasn't "meshing" when he returned, we'd go to counselling immediately. He consented. So this is where we're at. I feel like I've just chosen a college...I'm excited and terrified and can't wait to begin but desperately want everything to stay exactly the same.
PROS/CONS of Our Decision:
PROS:
1. Having a baby with the love of my life!
2. Having a baby at a young enough age where the problems (hopefully) are minimal.
3. Pregnancy at a time where my husband can be there for me.
4. Possibly having a newborn while he's home as well.
5. Getting to be a mom.
6. Getting everyone's attention almost all the time.
7. Above deserves two spots. I love attention.
8. Focusing on my own health and well-being because I'm focusing on the baby's.
9. Hormones making me beautiful (hopefully).
10. Not being fat pregnant through the heat of summer.
11. A due date in the winter/early spring with a good chunk of time to lose pounds before summer.
12. Having people do things for me because of the belly.
13. Maybe not even getting pregnant at all.
CONS:
1. OH. MY. GOD. I'm gonna be a mom.
2. My Husband possibly missing all our baby's firsts.
3. Being alone with a newborn.
4. Having a newborn while My Husband's deployed...can't wallow like I did last round.
5. Oh, the responsibility...
6. Dealing with My Husband's mom for 12 months. Alone. "No, Mom, I don't think you should move in with me to 'help out.'"
7. Being the only one of my friends/sisters with a child. Talk about being a guinea pig.
There are more PROS than CONS and all the PROS are big and most of the CONS are nitty-gritty. Plus, the idea is that if we do get pregnant in the next few months, it means that God knows I can handle it. If I can just keep reminding myself of that...
Stay tuned. Things in my life are getting serious.
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