Flirting

The other day one of my acquaintances, the wife of a soldier in My Husband's unit, wanted to know if the male trainers at our mutual gym are always asking how I am and offering me free samples of smoothies from the smoothie bar.  Apparently she has a hard time getting through her workout without being interrupted by men at the gym (both employees and fellow customers).

This has not happened to me.  Ever.  It's possibly because I hate going to the gym and I'm probably wearing my scowl-y face through my entire workout, but still.  Her comment kind of made me feel like there's something undesirable about me.  I'm always hearing these stories about women never getting asked out and then the get married and all of a sudden guys are all over them.  Not for me.

So I spent some time stewing over it, lamenting my un-flirt-worthy persona, when it hit me: friendly, handsome guys NEVER flirt with me.  They never have.  So why should now be any different than when I was 19?

Perhaps I should clarify that...there have been perfectly nice men that I've had some kind of relationship with (more than hooking up, less than going steady), but if I recall correctly I'm always the one who did the pursuing.  No guy has ever run into me "accidentally on purpose" at a bookstore or invited me for drinks to a bar with his friends.  I've been hit on, certainly.  In very crude and leering ways.  But those are not the kind of guys you bring home to your mother.

This led me to another realization: romantic comedies have FUCKED UP MY BRAIN.  It's not realistic to expect a 6-foot-tall Ivy League educated athlete with a killer smile and interesting career to ignore all the models throwing themselves at him and chat me up in a coffee shop (thank you very much, Patrick Wilson of Morning Glory) and then look disappointed yet resigned when he finds out I'm married.  And maybe pine for me just a little from afar.

In fact, I'd have to say the only handsome athlete with a strong character and a sense of humor to ever flirt with me is My Husband.

Does this make me sound ungrateful?  I don't mean to be ungrateful.  I know very well My Husband is way out of my league and with his looks and his steady paycheck he could have any woman he wants. 

I shudder at the thought (as should all women reading this sentence), but I've been raised to desire un-creepy male attention and having My Husband gone all the time leaves that severely lacking in my life.

So I guess I just have to have my little Gigi from He Just Not That Into You moment and convince myself swoonworthy men don't swoop into my life and then bow out of it gracefully just to boost my confidence. 

Life is not a Reese Witherspoon film, after all.

What Dreams May Come

I'm about to tell you something I've never told anyone else, so get ready.

When My Husband's gone, I'm so starved for affection I dream about kissing other men.

Now, let's get serious for a minute.  I've never, in the six years we've been together, cheated on My Husband.  In fact, I've never even had the urge to do so.  But I've noticed in the weeks he's been out in the field I have regular dreams about kissing other guys.

The guys are never ex-boyfriends or real people I've actually kissed and usually not even people I know.  The last two I can remember was an acquaintance from college who's profile I passed by on Facebook that day and an actor from a rerun of House I watched...people I'm not even attracted to (although I am in the dream).

I've never had sex in these dreams either.  I've actually only had two sex dreams in my life that have not been about My Husband.  One was about Colin Farrell (I was 16) and the other was about...ahem...Kim Kardashian.  Don't ask me why.  The brain is a funny thing.

In these dreams I'm usually doing something alone...going to a party, walking through a city.  My interactions with whatever guy I'm dreaming about are all very flirty and rom/com.  Sometimes I'm not married in the dreams...other times I know I'm married so I stop the "affair" with kissing.  Rarely I realize I'm dreaming (called lucid dreaming) and then I just go all in.  When else am I going to have the opportunity to make out with Bradley Cooper (another recent subconscious conquest)?

To tell you the truth, it's kind of fun.  I haven't the slightest clue as to whether it's healthy or not, but it's fun.  It's the kind of feeling you have when you're young and have a crush that's blooming or just starting a relationship with someone...so you're kind of tingly and on edge.  I mean, it's my dream so the guys in it are really nice and attentive and it's fun.

But then I wake up and I miss My Husband worse than before.

Since I don't have these dreams when I'm in bed with him, I assume they're just about the fact it's hard to be separated  We've been married two years and it still hurts when I'm without him.  I guess I crave a physical connection with a man I care about (which, in my dreams, is exactly what I'm getting).

When we first started dating, my mother warned me about long-distance relationships and how I'd miss out on a lot of the benefits of allowing myself to be close with a man...hugging, kissing, being held.  For some reason that's ringing really true right now.

Will I tell My Husband this happens?  Maybe.  I doubt he'd be jealous of actors and college acquaintances.

But then again, I may keep it to myself.  They are my dreams, after all.