Omnipotent in America

Ah, election season is fast approaching.  Makes me think of all the things on my personal political agenda.

Random List of (some) Things I Would Do if I was Omnipotent in America:

• Make a rape or molestation conviction punishable by life in prison.  Rape is murder the victim survives and should be treated as such.
• Require some form of military service in order to be eligible to run for President (opportunities will include all civilian support jobs).
• Lower the presidential eligibility age to 25.  I know plenty of 25-year-olds I'd rather run the country than Sarah Palin or Mitt Romney.
• Require people to retake their driver's exam at age 65...and every two years after that until they die.
• Streamline the process for adopting/fostering American children.  And lower the cost.
• Rehaul FEMA.  Rehaul Welfare.  Rehaul Medicaid.  Rehaul Social Security (you get the idea).
• Federalize the following industries: aviation, energy and possibly medical care (but I have to do more research on that one).
• Create a rule that states every time members of Congress vote themselves a salary increase, an identical salary increase is put in effect for public school teachers.
• Make it a felony to possess any dog or cock fighting paraphernalia.  Strengthen animal abuse laws and sentences.
• Get rid of the electoral college.  We may have needed it in 1793, but not anymore.
• Streamline the process to become an American citizen.  The quicker we get them in here, the quicker they'll have to pay taxes.
• Adopt an isolationist international relations policy until our military is back at full strength.
• A New New Deal: we've got a whole lot of unemployed people and a whole lot of infrastructure that's falling apart.
• Make Congress as a whole accountable to the IRS.  Watch your spending now, won't you?
• Legalize marijuana and tax the hell out of it.
• Make it illegal to own a wild animal, like a tiger or a chimpanzee, as a pet.  There are more tigers in Texas than in India.
• Let Jamie Oliver into all American public schools so he can work his nutritional magic.
• Federal funding to museums and zoos to lower or eradicate admittance fees.
• Remove the phrase "under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance.  Remove all religious references from all American currency, documents, buildings and publicly funded entities.  There's the separation of church and state for a reason.
• Revoke all "golden parachutes" for executives of businesses requiring federal bailouts and redistribute them among the American public.  Don't worry, CEO, you'll get your (significantly downgraded) share.

How Evolved are You?

A few days ago at the gym I saw a television advertisement for something called The Creation Museum in Kentucky.  From what I can tell, a Christian organization called AnswersInGenesis funds and runs the museum.  Apparently the building is devoted to the Earth's creation as described in the Bible. 

Frankly, I'm very confused.  The museum claims God created the Earth and everything in it in six days.  Adam, Eve and all the animals (including dinosaurs) lived together in the Garden of Eden and ate only plants.  It contains a number of fossils, the result of the Great Flood which only Noah and his family survived.

I don't know a lot about fundamental Christianity, since I wasn't raised that way (Lutheran Catholic mother who is more concerned with personal spirituality than church canon and a holiday Roman Catholic father) but I do know they take the Bible literally and consider it the actual words of God.  I know they reject the principles of evolution because A) human beings are made in God's image and therefore could never have looked like monkeys and B) if evolution was true, all monkeys would have evolved into people as evolution always ends in a creature's "perfect" form.

The following is completely editorial and I in no way intend to offend anyone.

My first issue with the Creation Museum is the Earth's age: 6,000 years.  According to most accepted scientific theories, modern homo sapiens (the classification of all human beings) began to appear about 200,000 years ago.  Anthropologists base this on fossilized bones...their shape and size matches our own almost exactly.

That's 194,000 years of struggle and hunger and childbirth and sex and love that apparently never happened.  If each of those people had a soul (as I personally believe almost all living things do) that's hundreds of thousands if not millions of souls God is "ignoring."  And considering "His eye is on the sparrow," I sincerely doubt that.

I suppose there is an argument that these bones are those of the people who died in the Great Flood, along with the bones of dinosaurs.

So let's move on to those dinosaurs.  The Creation Museum claims dinosaurs lived side by side in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve and ate only plants.  If God creates perfection and makes no mistakes, how could a Tyrannosaurus Rex eat plants without the necessary flat teeth for grinding them?  Meat-eating dinosaurs could not have possibly survived on plants...they couldn't have broken them down properly for digestion.

My last bit is about human beings being created in God's image.  As a person who spends a lot of time with animals, I can tell you they are far more Christian than any person I've ever met.  They love with abandon, forgive even the most grievous offenses, suffer willingly and require only basic necessities and love to survive.  Animals are made in God's image, and humans are devolved from their perfection. 

I came across this interesting article about how Chimpanzees give birth.  The baby emerges from the birth canal headfirst facing upward so the mother has an easier time lifting the baby toward her and clearing the airway.  This is almost exactly how human beings have babies.

I'll write more in the future about the correlation between science and religion and my own opinions about it, but for now I think I've given you enough to chew on.

 

Another Day, Another Online Discovery

In my internet travels this weekend I came across an organization dedicated to "connecting the civilian and military worlds."  In the days of pop stars' plea deals and political posturing making headlines instead of our men and women overseas, it's nice to discover websites like this one.  They sponsor billboards and television ads to remind civilians there are two conflicts going on and soldiers and their families are still sacrificing.

Don't get me wrong, I like the Entertainment Section as much as the next person.  Probably more so since I'm so into the movie/television/theater scene.  But it's difficult to comprehend that in 2006, almost one third of American students polled couldn't find the STATE OF LOUISIANA on a map of the United States...half couldn't find Mississippi (I don't even want to think about the brain hemorrhaging caused by looking for Iraq or Afghanistan).  But I guarantee you 100% of those kids could name the four main characters in Sex & the City.

And I know the whole point of My Husband's service is so that little Iraqi girls and boys have the opportunity to learn about geography or which Jimmy Choo sandals go with which one night stand, but one would think the approximately 5,000 hours kids spend in schools each year would ensure something scholastic stuck in their little brains. 

Anyway, special thanks to Operation Never Forgotten for this photo and all the good work they're doing for military members and their loved ones.

Baby Talk

My Husband and I are talking about getting pregnant.  As is customary for me, as soon as we began discussing it seriously I raced out to the library to get books about pregnancy.  I’ve always depended deeply on the research and opinions of experts (or at least people who have experienced an event I have not) and let’s face it…knowledge is reassuring.  Libraries even smell like safety. 

So far, I’ve read the following:

·         Before Your Pregnancy: a 90-Day Guide for Couples on How to Prepare for a Healthy Conception by Amy Ogle & Lisa Mazzullo

·         What to Expect Before You’re Expecting by Heidi Murkoff with Sharon Mazel

·         Perfect Hormone Balance for Fertility: The Ultimate Guide to Getting Pregnant by Robert Greene

·         Misconceptions: Truth, Lies and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood by Naomi Wolf

·         Vaginas: an Owner’s Manual by Dr. Carol Livoti & Elizabeth Topp

I found Before Your Pregnancy and Perfect Hormone Balance to be informative but a little preachy about organic foods and living.  The latter has this whole section on “biomutagens” that reads like your baby will develop horns and a tail if you use hairspray or nail polish while pregnant.  I did learn why you should cut caffeine; not only can it constrict your blood vessels and diminish flow to the baby, but your baby can come out addicted to caffeine!  So they cry and cry because they want caffeine but they have no idea what it is.  That stuff’s like crack.

What to Expect has been the Bible for pregnancy for years.  It had some useful tidbits, but half the time I felt like I was being spoken to by that youth group pastor who’s trying desperately to be cool: “Now that you’re talking baby, will you have to say ‘later’ to your morning lattes—and ‘nighty-night’ to your nightcaps (p30)?”  Ummm…yes?  “Been trying for a few months to hit baby bingo, but without success (p120)?”  It’s like every sentence ends with a pause for a recorded laugh track.

Naomi Wolf’s Misconceptions was one of the most depressing books I’ve ever read.  It chronicles her issues of losing her sense of self after becoming a mother, her traumatic and detached Cesarean section and her post-partum depression.  She also harps on American culture and its response to motherhood, race and wealth.  Don’t get me wrong, all of her points are necessary to get a full spectrum of conception and birth in the United States (I’m sure she’s frightened plenty of women into opting out of motherhood) and it wasn’t information I found in any of my other books. 

For example, did you know it’s customary for doctors to slice the perineum (the space between the vulva and the anus) down to the muscle in order to make a wider outlet for the baby during labor?  It’s called an episiotomy.  They do it to prevent a tear during birth, even though most tears are superficial and much less drastic than the surgical cut.  Most of the time an episiotomy results in increased post-partum pain and bleeding, trouble defecating and severe issues with sexual function for up to SEVEN years (p170).  Wolf instead suggests women demand massage of the perineum with something like olive oil and a slow labor to permit the perineum to stretch accordingly.  In her book she mentions some celebratory midwives who ‘caught’ (a midwife’s term for delivering a baby) “an 11lb, 4oz baby girl over an intact perineum (p171)!”

I didn’t know any of this, and you can bet because of her book I’ll be doing A LOT more research.  But chapter after chapter of heartache and milk stains and lack of appropriate health care and support was extremely wearisome.  I guess it’s just one of those things…you have to take the bad with the good.

I loved Vaginas.  I really did.  It’s written by an Ob/Gyn and her daughter in a gossipy yet informative manner.  Kind of like your favorite teacher from high school who does lessons about phenethylamine by handing out chocolate.  I liked it so much I even read parts of it aloud to My Husband (he probably appreciated it less).  Considering most of my “sexual education” consisted of a seventh-grade video in which dozens of speedoed and swim-capped men flounder erratically in a swimming pool toward a sole serene woman in an inner tube, it was kind of nice to really start to understand the inner workings of my body. 

(To be fair, my mother showed my sisters and me a video about puberty around the same time.  I had gotten the original “talk” from her years before…I was six years old…because a local boy my age had been molested by his dentist and I asked her curiously one evening what rape was.  All I remember from these discussions was thinking the whole idea of coming-of-age and conception was disgusting and I wanted nothing to do with it).

So my research continues.  I have a few more books I’d like to look up, but the REAL verdict about a baby is still to come.  I’ll never find that on a library shelf.

The Strange Case of Carlos Estevez

Courtesy of http://www.vchannelnews.com/

I'm gonna hop on the bandwagon for a minute.

Most of us know "Carlos Estevez" as Charlie Sheen, the actor who is currently dominating all of the entertainment/gossip media outlets with Napoleonic zeal.  I was laying in bed last night listening to My Husband snore and I came up with a Charlie Sheen theory.

Don't get agitated, it's just a theory.  It's something to engage my brain when I can't sleep and it's your bad luck I'm capable of typing it up and posting it on the Internet for the world (or my current 12 viewers...10 from the United States, 1 from China and 1 from Singapore, hey guys!) to see.

I think Charlie Sheen is dying.  I think his foray to the hospital for severe abdominal pain a few months ago resulted in some terminal test results.  I think Sheen's long history of abusing recreational drugs and alcohol have caused a number of chronic conditions and culminated in pancreatic cancer.

So he gets this diagnosis and has himself a little reflection time.  He thinks about the survival rate for pancreatic cancer, the effects of chemo and the media coverage of Farrah Fawcett and Patrick Swayze's recent demises and deaths.  And honestly, I think he decided, "Fuck it.  I've got months to live and I'm gonna live them exactly how I want to.  I'm gonna say what I want, do what I want, live with a mini-harem and get my face on camera whenever I have the chance.  I'm not gonna keep going to a job where I hate the people.  I'm gonna suit myself."

I think the guy is James Deaning-it...living fast and dying how he wants to.  Not emaciated or bloated from futile radiation treatment.  Not in a hospital bed where he's too weak to get himself to the bathroom.  Not in rehab ruminating with a counselor about his many addictions and tormented with withdrawal symptoms.  He wants to be in his house: drunk, stoned or having sex with people who know EXACTLY what they're doing. 

He doesn't want to be pitied or fawned over or reminisced with.  Charlie Sheen doesn't want to linger and say anguished goodbyes.  He wants to sear himself into our memories as a shining example of talent and passion that flashes white-hot and burns out quickly. 

Courtesy of http://www.taramtamtam.com/

Maybe it's a still a secret because his doctor can't legally give interviews about his condition (doctor/patient confidentiality).  Maybe that's why he looks so pallid and skinny. Maybe Denise Richards knows and that's why she's been so supportive.  Maybe Brooke Mueller doesn't and that's why she hasn't.  Maybe that's why Martin Sheen referred to his son's addictions as a "cancer."  Maybe Charlie doesn't want to work because he's got a kickass life insurance policy that will provide for his five children the rest of their lives.

Am I projecting a Shakespearean attitude or a tragic Greek eloquence on a guy who may just have Swiss-cheese-crazy-brain from cocaine and booze?  Possibly.  Sheen could also be another Hollywood asshole who's cashing in on his notoriety Spencer Pratt-style.  But I like my Charlie better.  And I think he would, too.

The "List"

Have you guys ever played that game where you make a list of the celebrities you’re “allowed” to sleep with no matter what kind of actual relationship you’re in?  You may remember it as a storyline on a second-season episode of Friends (with Ross' laminated list and a guest spot by Isabella Rossellini). 

When I was in college we used to sit at the university-exclusive (no entry without an ID) pub and discuss it with everyone who popped in for a sandwich and a beer.  It made for some interesting conversation and seems to be a great way to figure out what attracts you to the opposite (or same) sex.

My personal list has morphed slightly over the years: Colin Farrell was on the original but got bumped when he grew out that greasy hair…Bear Grylls of Discovery Channel fame was there for a while but I crossed him off after watching him anally rehydrate himself with his own urine.  Even fake relationships can only handle so much.

Still, it’s pretty easy to see I have a type.  Google some photos of these guys...it'll make your day better, I promise:

1.       MARK VALLEY, actor (mostly television): Valley may be best known for his turn on Boston Legal, but I fell in love with him on Fox’s Keen Eddie years ago.  The show didn’t last but the DVDs are worth the Netflix…Keen Eddie was Sienna Miller’s American television debut.  He currently plays the main character on Fox’s Human Target.  The guy is basically the personification of testosterone.  His build, his face and his voice are all completely and deliciously male.  Plus he’s an army veteran.  Catching on to my type yet?

2.       MIKE ROWE, “media personality”: Rowe is another example of my addiction to classic masculinity.  His degree is in Communications and he’s done extensive television work, including developing and hosting Dirty Jobs on the Discovery Channel.  He’s funny, loyal (his crew’s been the same from the get-go) and he loves his mom.  And I’m a sucker for a nice baritone.

3.       NICHOLAS GONZALEZ, actor (TV & movies): I first noticed Gonzalez when he was a visiting detective on a mission on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.  Then he popped up on my Grey’s Anatomy successor Off the Map.  Turns out he’s not only a hottie, but an exceptional student with a degree from Stanford and two terms at Oxford under his belt.  His character on Off the Map grows cocaine, but obviously I’m hoping that won’t result in a police shootout death scene anytime soon.

4.       ANDREW LEE POTTS, actor (British TV & movies): As the anti-hero Hatter on Syfy Channel’s miniseries Alice, Lee Potts was introduced to legions of American fans even though he’s been on British TV for more than a decade.  He’s a main cast member on ITV’s Primeval, about a team of scientists and students who travel around Britain catching creatures from the past and future that slip into our world through slits in time.  If you’re interested, there’s a ton of original music videos celebrating his scenes from Alice (where he’s not only clever and quirky, but sits stoically through a torture session meant to break him) on Youtube.

5.       CHRIS LEAK, football player (University of Florida & CFL): Even though his NFL dreams seem to continue getting waylaid, Leak is a very talented quarterback with a long history of academic achievement and volunteer work.  Parade Magazine featured him as its 2003 High School Football Player of the Year, and I actually cut out his photo and kept it in my locker.  It’s hard to make the Canadian Football League watchable, but Leak does it.

On Deck (I apparently have given this a lot of thought):

·         RYAN LOCHTE, professional swimmer: I’ve always thought dancers have the best “feminine” figures and swimmers have the best “masculine” shapes.  Lochte is an excellent example AND he has a face to match.  He’s often overshadowed by Olympic teammate Michael Phelps, but his record at the University of Florida was stellar and he continues to be a real force in the swimming world.  I also appreciate this upstate New Yorker’s ability to stay out of the spotlight, something Phelps has some trouble with.

Try this with your friends.  You may be surprised at their answers and change some of your own J

Papa Don't Preach



Courtesy of http://www.madisonavenuejournal.com/

 So Mr. Mike Huckabee visited radio host Mike Medved on his show March 3rd and proceeded to have an incredibly offensive conversation about single motherhood, something Huckabee and Medved (based on their mutual possession of a Y chromosome) undoubtedly have no firsthand knowledge of.  You can find the bulk of the conversation here.


Anyway, Mike & Mike spent some time lamenting how Natalie Portman "glamorized" having a baby out-of-wedlock when she thanked her soon-to-be-husband from the stage in her Oscar acceptance speech Sunday for giving her "my greatest role ever."  Huckabee said she sets a bad example, since she's minus a husband and has plenty of money for nannies and other such indulgences to help her care for her child.  Obviously he assumes highly impressionable females (Oh, poor lil' ole me!  I seem to be sufferin' from the vay-pehs.) will equate Portman's decades long career with the fact she's having a baby...with the man she's going to marry...at age 29. 

So I'll fight ranting with ranting.  Thank you for your insight, Mike Huckabee!  Before I heard your opinion, I honestly thought if I got knocked up by a dancer I'll automatically become a rich and famous actress and former child star!

Courtesy of http://www.celebuzz.com/

As if pinning a scarlet letter to Portman's Academy Awards dress is not enough, he said (I'll paraphrase) most single mothers are poor and uneducated and their numerous children are one welfare check away from starvation and typhus and dyslexia and communism.  But does he once mention MTV's extremely lucrative 16 and Pregnant or Teen Mom shows?  As My Husband wisely pointed out to me, these shows are much more likely to induce teens to conceive based on the hefty paychecks MTV shells out to the show's participants.

How about Ms. Bristol Palin?  Former governor Sarah Palin's daughter is one of the most famous American single mothers in recent history, but did her turn on Dancing with the Stars or her interviews with E! News about her new life in Arizona make it onto the radio rant as an inappropriate model of solo parenting?  Not so much.

If you'll allow me, I'll close with a little common sense.  I don't think ANY WOMAN in the history of humanity has ever considered raising a child alone to be a cakewalk.  I am sure there are women (and men, for that matter) who've used and abused their children and their place as parents for their own gain (uhh, Joe Jackson, anyone?). 

And as I've recently said: classy, educated and compassionate people like Natalie Portman (she financed a line of vegan shoes) are the people we want to be parents.  I hope she has ten kids and they all turn out like her.

Bottom line, Huckabee's comments about Portman (and the Oscars, for that matter) were completely judgemental and some of the least Christian words I've ever heard from a minister's mouth.



*As always, all photos in this blog are for illustrative purposes only and I am in NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM profiting from their publication or claiming them as personal property.  Thank you!

It Takes a Village...but What Kind?

I take a hard line on a few things…probation violation, molestation, Welfare reform, drunk driving.  I think rape should be punishable by life in prison (I’ll probably blog about that some other time).  But for the most part, I’m socially liberal.

I also appreciate Christian values.  I was raised Christian (my father is Catholic and my mother is Lutheran) and I have a large number of family members who are Conservative Presbyterians.  So I know that someone can believe absolutely that being gay is a sin.  I don’t believe that, but I know some people gain a lot of comfort from seeing the world in a certain way and as long as they don’t hurt people with said view they should probably just be left alone.

However, there are practicalities to life that need to be addressed, no matter what one’s religious views are.  I think gay men and women should, in every corner of the world, be allowed to adopt children.  According to a recent UNICEF report, there are between 143 million and 210 million orphans worldwide.  That doesn’t count foster kids, who are not technically orphaned but cannot live with their biological parents.  In the United States, Florida and Missouri still have laws banning gay men from adopting.

So anti-gay adoption agencies (oh, they’re out there, people) are basically saying they’d rather kids grow up “in the system” than in loving, if slightly "atypical" homes.  And yet, there are gay couples out there who will do ANYTHING to adopt and are barred at every turn, EVEN WHEN THE CHILD SHARES A BIOLOGICAL LINK WITH ONE OF THE APPLICANTS.  Check out this story to see what I mean:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41800437/ns/world_news-wonderful_world/?GT1=43001

This precious little boy spent two years in limbo because of bureaucratic homophobia.  Madonna adopted a little boy WHO HAS A PARENT and it took her mere months.  Samuel is the biological son of a man who happens to be homosexual and all of a sudden it takes two years and tens of thousands of dollars to get him home?  I think THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WE WANT TO BE PARENTS.  These are the people we want raising our next generation.

Not this guy.  Or the stepmother of this little girl.  Or these two monsters who actually PASSED the adoption application process.

Come on humanity.  You’d rather your youth be tortured by “acceptable” parents than raised by people who’d do anything to bring them home?

The Ahskahz, Dahlink!

Courtesy of http://www.gaelick.com/

Now, let me make one thing clear.  I LOVE the Academy Awards.  I love the dresses, the awkward commentators, the speeches, the movie clips.  I love them, I always have.

That being said, I may be a little biased when it comes to properly rehashing/reviewing last night’s show but I can’t believe everyone is harping on it so badly.  Yes, James Franco and Anne Hathaway weren’t your “showman” hosts of Oscars past like Billy Crystal and Steve Martin.  Hathaway is a star-struck brunette Betty from Archie Comics and Franco is a sloe-eyed, slow-talking stoner type.  Both are terrific actors but I don’t understand why everyone expected them to be any different than who they’ve been in Hollywood the past few years.  They were fine…the Academy tried something new and it wasn’t all-pleasing, big whoop.

I’ve also been hearing/reading a lot about the Kirk Douglas thing.  I thought it was great.  Oh, he had a stroke and he’s old and that’s uncomfortable to watch.  Get over it, people.  Stroke victims can gain back most of their brainpower even when they can’t get their speech perfected.  The guy could pick out Hugh Jackman and Colin Firth in a crowd with lights in his eyes.  Tell me the Academy trussed him up and sent him out there like a show dog.  Hell, no.  Kirk Douglas is NOBODY’S poodle.

And I swear, if I hear one more thing about The Social Network I’m gonna scream.  Yes, it’s a fascinating film based on a fascinating book based on a fascinating group of young men.  But it seems the older generations are so desperate to pack us into a box they can label and shelve they’re making a really big deal about a movie that isn’t as groundbreaking as they’re claiming.  The situation was groundbreaking, not the film that repeated it.

And to tell you the truth, the Winklevoss twins, billionaire genius Mark Zuckerberg and their Harvard pals DO NOT represent me or my peers.  I empathize a little more with the unemployed college-educated, the ratio of Americans who love an active duty soldier and the 74% of women whom author Eve Ensler writes are convinced they are under immense pressure to please everyone.  (Her book I am an Emotional Creature: the Secret Life of Girls around the World is totally worth the read.  I may review it here on the blog for fun.)

Moving on to more frivolous Oscar tidbits…Mila Kunis gets more gorgeous every minute.  Divorce does NOT become Scarlett Johansson (she looked like they chopped her hair after she got the fever and wrapped her in grandma’s curtains).  What was with all the wavy, down hair?  This is the Oscars!  You wanna look laid-back; go to the MTV Movie awards.  Get your hair did, ladies.



Courtesy of http://www.wireimage.com/



I want to be Helen Mirren when I grow up.  She’s stunning.  Penelope Cruz is the envy of new mothers everywhere.  Michelle Williams is one of the few naturally beautiful women in the world who can look amazing with all her hair cut off.  I thought all of Anne Hathaway’s looks were elegant, even though she did seem to change as much as the set.  Speaking of the set, even My Husband commented on how understated but dramatic it was.

There is only one other thing I feel the need to comment on.  I think it’s super-cute to bring your mom to the Academy Awards, but you need to make sure she gets the star wardrobe treatment.  That means the proper undergarments to go with her dress.  I’m talking to you, Justin Timberlake.  I guess that’s what happens when you go to the Oscars with your famous son and not your famous daughter. 

Pizza for Protests

Thought I'd share a little story I heard from my mom when she called to catch up this afternoon.  She's a big NPR fan and has it on in the car all the time. 

Here's the link:
http://www.NPR.org/2011/02/21/133932741/global-donations-feed-protesters-in-Wisconsin

Apparently the pizza place across from the green where all the Wisconsin protests are going on brings their leftover pizza at the end of the night to the people congregated there.  Some non-Wisconsians heard about it and started ordering food specifically to be sent to the protesters.  I guess calls are coming in now from all over the world.

Now, I don't know a lot about what's going on in the Cheese State, but I think it has something to do with unions and is an extremely touchy issue.  It seems the whole world is in a state of upheaval.

As a soldier's wife, international and domestic unrest makes me nervous.  I'd rather my husband not be deployed to Libya.  Or to Wisconsin because all the National Guards are in Afghanistan.  Hopefully everyone can just handle their own and leave My Husband out of it.

Movie Casting Mishaps

I recently came across a list of the 10 Worst Casting Calls in movie history.  You can visit the link here: http://www.newser.com/story/111088/10-worst-casting-choices-ever.html

I agreed with a good portion of them, but I felt strongly about a few character gaffes they omitted.  Here’s my personal Top 5 (or should I call them Bottom 5?) Worst Casting Calls in movie history. 

*Side note: This list has absolutely no bearing on my opinion of these actors’ talent or body of other work.  In fact, I included parts I loved each in.  These listed roles are just unfortunate attempts by Hollywood to shove square pegs into heinously not-square holes. Also, the photos are for illustrative purposes only and I in no way claim ownership of them. 

5.) Diane Kruger as “Helen” in Troy

“The face that launched a thousand ships…”  Now don’t get me wrong, Diane Kruger is GORGEOUS with a capital BEAUTIFUL.  But Helen is supposed to be intoxicating; the epitome of divine splendor in human form.  She’s supposed to steal each scene the way she stole Paris’ heart, but I found Kruger’s performance to be timid and ashen.  I’ve always seen Helen and Paris as two reckless beings struggling passionately to separate themselves from the tentacles of impervious fate, but Kruger plays her like a marionette with her strings cut...unhappily being swept from scene to scene.

I LOVED Diane Kruger as opera diva Anna Sørensen in the foreign war and peace flick Joyeux Noël.

4.) Mickey Rooney as “Mr. Yunioshi” in Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Holy racism, Batman!  Truman Capote pretty much hated the film rendition of his novella (reportedly he imagined Holly Golightly as an earthier, more basic character portrayed by Marilyn Monroe.  Audrey Hepburn’s Holly, with her ethereal, sophisticated yet damaged persona has become a Hollywood icon in spite of his disappointment) and for good reason…Mr. Yunioshi and his buck teeth and squinty eyes became an offensive caricature more appropriate for a WWII propaganda poster than the silver screen.  Not a suitable part for a heavyweight like Mickey Rooney.

I LOVED Mickey Rooney as Mi Taylor, the underdog trainer of under-underdog jockey Velvet Brown in National Velvet.

3.) Ryan Reynolds as “Hal Jordan/The Green Lantern” in The Green Lantern

As a closet comic book devotee, I know Hal Jordan was the first and arguably the most well-known Green Lantern.  But in the early 1970s, D.C. Comics introduced Green Lantern John Stewart, one of the very first African-American superheroes to grace its graphic pages.  This was the Green Lantern I grew up with, and the one portrayed in most modern Justice League cartoons.  What a wasted opportunity to use major motion-picture mojo and put a black superhero on the big screen.

I LOVED Ryan Reynolds as Michael Bergen in the Boston-based sitcom Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place.  And in pretty much everything else he’s done, because he’s a superhot God of all things Canadian.

2.) Sofia Coppola as “Mary Corleone” in The Godfather: Part III

Mary Corleone is the female doppelganger of young Michael Corleone…a father’s joy and hope for the future of his family.  Her destruction at the hands of his “business,” (in this case, ACTUAL destruction and death as opposed to Michael’s symbolic destruction when Sonny’s death forces him to take on the Godfather mantle) is one of the most operatic moments in film history.  But Sofia is in no way prepared for this part…she’s awkward and ill-at-ease and stumbles through the seduction of an appropriately tormented Andy Garcia.

I LOVED Sofia Coppola’s writing and direction of The Virgin Suicides…in fact; she’s one of the most brilliant female directors to ever get behind the lens. 

1.) Steve Zahn as “Al Giordino” & Matthew McConaughey as “Dirk Pitt” in Sahara

Just your luck, a two-for-one!  Clive Cussler is one of my FAVORITE authors of all time and I have never seen a more disastrous interpretation of a book in my entire life.  Dirk Pitt is supposed to be a tall, dark Air Force hero with opaline green eyes and Al Giordino is supposed to be an Italian-American second-in-command to make Kevin Costner’s “Elliot Ness” proud.  Instead, they both come off as inept and obnoxious frat boys with millions in government funding.  The script was so mangled Cussler actually sued to get his name taken OFF the credits.

I LOVED these actors as George Pappas in You’ve Got Mail and Jake Brigance in A Time to Kill…so don’t tell me I’m biased against McConaughey in serious roles J

"Every Bird as it's Reared and for the Lark, the Bog." -- Irish Proverb

Dear Digital Universe,

My name is Lark Delaney.  I am almost 26 years old and I live with My Husband and our spaniel, Buoy, in one of the square states in Midwestern America.  My Husband is a soldier and the U.S. Army stationed us here just after our summer 2009 wedding.

I spent my first year here alone with Buoy…My Husband deployed overseas just after we moved in.  He returned safely in July 2010 and we’ve been adjusting to living together permanently since.

My parents have been married for 30 years and live in the Northeast, where I grew up.  I have an older sister, Chloë, who lives with her boyfriend about 20 minutes from my parents.  My younger sister, Sarah, works at a small college on one of the Great Lakes and is getting her Master’s degree while she’s at it.

Both of my sisters went to (or are attending) graduate school.  I spent four years at Major Metropolitan University (not Major Metropolitan College, which is only a few miles away) and graduated a year before My Husband finished up at his Military College.  I worked a number of small jobs the following 12 months to save up for our wedding.  It’s been almost four years since I completed university and I haven’t come close to a job that has anything to do with my journalism degree.

I can’t remember a time I wasn’t writing…my mom probably still has my original crayon-crusted picture books about unicorns and talking dogs floating around somewhere in their attic.  When My Husband deployed a handful of people suggested I start a blog about my “experiences,” but frankly, I didn’t handle the deployment as well as I could have and didn’t want to poison the internet community with my pessimistic ramblings.  My slightly cynical, possibly sarcastic and occasionally interesting quips about everyday life now that I’m recovering will be much more entertaining for you, I’m sure.

So thank you for stopping by my blog and I hope you’ll be a regular visitor here.

Yours,

Lark