Alone Again

After a three week hiatus, My Husband's unit is back in the field (this makes all of May, June and half of July away from home).  Overnight stays, no phone calls, the whole shebang. 

I actually got to see him for lunch today...he came home to eat and shower after an interview with a General (he's up for the position of an aide).  I haven't spoken to him in three days so I thought it would be nice to catch up a little.

My Husband was very distracted and tired.  It's hard to talk to him when he's like this, since I feel like I'm burdening him with the details of my day.

I feel stupid even telling you this, but here's my example:

I've always secretly wanted to learn to sing.  My older sister had flute lessons and my younger sister had piano lessons, but my parents were afraid music lessons of any kind for me would encourage me in my "impractical aspirations" to be an actor.  So now that I'm out of my parents' house, I've been researching voice coaches and chose one in the neighborhood to work with.

It's exceptionally nerve-wracking for me...I have zero confidence in my voice and I've been regularly told I'm tone deaf.  Plus, this is something I really care about, you know, so I want to be good at it.  I was a wreck.

But my lesson went really well and I like my teacher a lot.  I told My Husband all about it and showed him my "homework," a song she wants me to learn.  As I sat at the table, singing it under my breath and trying to figure out how to read the music, My Husband shushed me.  Put his finger to his lips and shushed me like I was a toddler in time-out.

He was on the phone with his Commanding Officer (CO) and instead of moving away from me, he decided I should be the one to be quiet.

Then he kissed me and went back to work.

And it's so stupid, I know.  I mean, the man is trying to work, dammit.  He's in the field all the time, he's tired and he's filthy and he's stressed.

But I feel insignificant.  I feel invisible.

I wonder why it's harder to deal with his absences when he's home than when he's deployed.  When he's overseas, he depends so much on seeing me and hearing about the inane details of my inane life I feel really...necessary.  But here it's like being teased.  He's home but he's never really home...he's sleeping or decompressing or thinking about work.  So I can see him but I can never really reach him. 

I mean, My Husband doesn't even read this blog.

So what do I do?  I go to the shelter and walk the dogs.  I read.  I watch TV.  I reset the wireless Internet after thunderstorms.  I send Sympathy cards.  I shop for groceries.  I go to the gym.  I try to focus on myself, but I didn't fall and love and get married to focus on myself.