The Weight Pendulum

"Would we call her 'chubby' ?"
"I think there's a pretty sizable ass there, yes, sir.  HUGE thighs." -- Love Actually

I inherited my mother's body type but my father's body shape.  I have shorter legs and a very long torso.  My mother graciously endowed me with her pear-bordering-on-hourglass type.  I have a 36C chest, a 32-inch waist (which I'm working on whittling) and hips in the 40-inch range (working on that one, too).  As a child I was extremely slim...I had a natural inclination to it as my mom had always been slim, I was very active and a picky eater.

My sisters were not so "lucky."  Both inherited my mother's proportions (longer legs and a shorter torso) but are more apple-shaped like my dad.  They tend to put weight on in their bellies first, and each has a smaller chest and hips than I do.  Both were overweight as children...Chloë (older) got thinner as she got taller but still has food issues.  Sarah (younger) has been an athlete for decades and tends to keep weight on as she trains.

To compensate, my mom regularly told the three of us Chloë and Sarah were more "naturally" beautiful than I was.  I was never allowed to tease them about their weight, but both my sisters could get away with insulting my slimness.  One of the most popular remarks had to do with the fact based on weight alone, I should have been in a booster seat in the car until I was 12 years old.  My sisters each had a full-length mirror in their rooms but I did not...Mom thought it would make me vain.  Looking back, keeping me humble (she calls it "grounded") seemed to be a mission for her.

Anyway, I was teased mercilessly for my lack of figure through elementary and middle school.  Kids regularly pulled the back of my shirts to snap my bra strap and collapsed in giggles when they found I didn't wear one.  In an urban culture where curves are celebrated, I was the odd one out.

I hit puberty at 16 (a mere week before Sarah did at 14) and started putting on some muscle.  By 18 I was 5'5" and about 140lbs.  I was still flat but I had some junk in my trunk, so I was coping.

Enter my Caucasian-heavy college years.  All of a sudden the slimness I hated in myself a few years ago was the epitome of beauty.  Even flat girls knew all the tricks to enhance their cup size and had practiced them from puberty.  All of a sudden the junk in my trunk got pitying looks from my size 00 roommates.

SIDENOTE: What the hell is size 00, anyway?  That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.  Next thing you know there will be negative sizes.  "Yeah, I'm a 2 now but I'd like to be a -4 before the wedding."  Gross. 

The next stop in my body image saga: the Pill.  When I met My Husband at age 20, I decided he was the one I wanted to give my virginity to.  I put myself on the Pill and proceeded to put on about 20lbs, going from a 32B to a 36C.

It's almost six years later and I've swung pretty regularly between 145lbs and my current weight of 170lbs over that time.  At 5'8" I'm now considered overweight, which is a new experience for me.  I am a size 6 in dresses and a size 12 in pants because of my ass and thighs.

I'm trying not to focus on my weight anymore, but more on my fitness level.  I don't think I'll ever be rail thin again, and I don't want to be.  My Husband loves every inch of me, and I enjoy being a woman so I don't want to destroy all my soft parts. 

But still...there is that little voice inside me that bases my worth as a person by that number on the scale.