Misandry

Misandry [mis-an-dree]; NOUN -- the hatred of men or boys.  On the model of "misogyny."

I have my share of vices...probably my share and more.  One of them, which I have identified and am working on, is a prejudice against men.  I don't hate men as a rule; I don't trust them to be good people.  I can count the number of men I trust on both hands...it's certainly less than ten.

I know, I know, I'm a total hypocrite.  It's completely wrong to judge an entire group of people based on the slim fraction of said people I've met.  I just...I can't seem to help my knee-jerk reaction.  If I'm alone with a man in a room, my heart rate rises.  I prepare to fight of flee.  I don't make eye contact with men on the street.  I try not to touch men in passing.  I keep myself as invisible as possible.

I'm going to be completely honest: when I see a man on the street looking at me, I assume he wants to have sex with me.  What I don't trust is his ability to control that urge.  I'm not saying I'm so freaking gorgeous men can't contain themselves...I think this is how they respond to most women.  See woman: want to fuck.

Even as I'm writing this I'm disgusted with myself.  I've never put these feelings down on "paper" before; I've just accepted them as a normal part of my makeup.  In attempting to clarify them I see how very bigoted they are.

Now, I love My Husband with my whole heart.  He would rather cut his arm off than hurt a woman.  I love my father and both my grandfathers.  I trust a few of my male friends.  I trust my therapist.  But as for My Husband's brothers...he has three and I trust one.  I don't trust his dad.  One brother and My Husband's father have both put their hands on my butt in what I assume they thought was an appropriate manner. 

Of course, I don't like to be touched by men in general. 

Obviously this is an overblown response to the fear of sexual violation.  Is it excusable since I am capable of accepting men as good people on a case-by-case basis?  Is it excusable because these feelings may have contributed to my safety in the past 26 years?  Or is it exactly the same as colonial slave-owners who considered their African slaves to be more animal than man?

I'm leaning toward the latter.  Ugh, the self-loathing.

How will I raise my sons?  How will I prevent them from feeling inherently "bad"?  Every time I reflect on my personal inclinations I stress on how to prevent them from leaking into my children.