Weight Loss

This is the most I've weighed in my entire life.  I'm 5'8" and 175lbs (translates to 175cm and 79kg).  As a child and a teen I was very slim and slight...when I hit puberty I immediately had a growth spurt and started keeping weight on.  I'd say I'm most comfortable around 145lbs (66kg); I feel good without losing the breast size I've become accustomed to.

Luckily I carry my poundage pretty well and people are always surprised when I tell them what I weigh.  Still, I can't help but notice the stretch marks in the mirror and the belly that wasn't there once upon a time.

So it's back to the gym: we've got that wedding in North Carolina at the end of the month and I've got to drop some of this fat before we get there.  My motives are not entirely pure: yes, I want to lose this weight so when I do get pregnant I won't be tipping the scales at 200lbs (91kg) and yes I need to get to a healthier BMI but I also just don't like myself this heavy.

I don't feel confident; I don't feel sexy.  I feel fat.

And of course I keep telling myself that's not the most important thing and it's all about feeling good and being healthy blah blah blah.  But I've grown up as a girl in America, so that means I care about my weight.  It's the only math that's really ever mattered to me.

God, that's vain.

Anyway, I love food and I'm unwilling to give up bread.  So instead of giving up food I'm attempting to eat more of it...more vegetables, more fruit, more whole grains, etc.  With that comes more exercise...from what I can tell, I need to get to about 2 hours a day, 5 days a week.  I have time for that, of course.  I just need to get my lazy ass out of bed.

It's just so hard.  My weight makes me huff and puff through exercise classes to the point where I was considering what excuses I'd give should anyone comment on my inability to keep up. 

Mono.  Miscarriage.  Hear that?  I'd rather tell people I've just lost a baby than admit I'm lazy and fat.  That's just messed up.  Like the people at the gym care if I'm an athlete or not.  It's a gym, right?  It's there for people to get healthy.

So I'm trying.  I'm floundering, but I'm trying.  And I have 4 weeks to do it in, so we'll have to wait and see.