Relapsing

My Husband became his Troop XO (Executive Officer) at the beginning of February.  This is quite a different position than platoon leader, which was his job from his deployment until now.  It’s a lot more paperwork and a lot more involvement with his Commanding Officer (CO) and the rest of the leadership.

He’s been working 14-hour days for almost two weeks now.  He goes in at 5:30am for Physical Training (PT) and gets home after 7pm if we’re lucky.  Yesterday he was home about 6:30pm, but it was because he brought a bunch of work to do here at the apartment.

And watching all the enlisted guys wander home before the 5 o'clock local news is really starting to get on my nerves.

Speaking of yesterday, he had to go into work at 3:30am for some kind of march.  It was so foggy and dark, and he was so tired…I haven’t been this worried about him since he was deployed.  Deer wander around here at all hours, the roads wind unpredictably and it was just SO FOGGY.  You couldn’t see 10 feet in front of you.  And I’ll be damned if there are street lights more than every 3 miles out here.

Last night I had my first nightmare about him since he was overseas.  In the dream he was sick and having trouble breathing.  We were staying in some kind of barracks or something, and I was watching a movie with the guy in the next bed while I sat in a chair next to My Husband’s head.  A paramedic came to take a look at him and told me he had a terrible lung infection and his organs were shutting down.  I remember crying, saying that an infection should be curable.  My Husband stirred in his bed and told me it was OK, it was going to be really good to finally go to sleep.  I lay down in bed next to him and covered us with a blanket, and I whispered in his ear, “Alright, my love.  Just go to sleep.”  And so he died.

I woke up with tears on my cheeks.  It was 1:30am.

And there is his silhouette in the dark, in the bed next to me.  And I can't wake him up to tell him about the dream and have him hold me while I'm crying because he's not getting enough sleep as it is.  So I don't.  I stared at the ceiling for an hour until I fell into a fitful doze.  His alarm went off a little while later.

So obviously I have some anxiety about him…I take it the dream means I am afraid something seemingly preventable could take him from me forever.  Like falling asleep at the wheel at some God-awful hour of the morning.

I certainly hope the rest of the leadership is in that stupid office until 1930 hours.