When My Husband is about to leave for extended periods of time I get slightly psycho about cleaning. I never really understood why...I assumed it's about controlling something to make me feel better about the fact I can't control his time away from home.
This morning I figured out the real reason.
My Husband is gone for the next few days...overnight in the field doing training exercises. He left this morning about 4:30am, kissing me goodbye in the dark of our bedroom while I was still half asleep.
When I came home from my shift at the shelter a few hours later, the first thing I saw walking through the door were his running shoes...tossed at the base of the couch where he left them yesterday after returning from his track workout.
I can't really put into words the feeling of seeing something he touched a few hours ago and knowing he won't touch it again for days. It's just this huge reminder that he's gone and he won't be back for awhile.
This, of course, makes me think about how I would feel seeing those running shoes and knowing he'll never touch them again because he's dead.
Do all soldier's wives have death in the forefront of their minds like I do, or does my depression predispose me to dark thoughts like these?
So before he leaves I clean like a maniac so that everything is in its proper place...and most importantly, anything that belongs to My Husband is tucked safely out of sight until he returns and has some use for it. I stow away the physical reminders of his absence the way I ignore the truth of the dangerous nature of his job. Until I have a weak moment and those dismal thoughts, always hovering somewhere just out of consciousness, strike home.
I think I'll go to the gym and tire myself out so much that I can't think anymore.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Monday, June 6, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Birth Control Update
So I've been off my birth control for a full two months. According to my ovulation tests and the other signs I've learned to look for (basal body temperature, cervical mucus) I have yet to ovulate. I'm starting to get slightly nervous, since we only have until July 31st to try and get pregnant. August 1st is nine months from April when My Husband is scheduled to deploy again.
Dulling the fear that six years on the pill will prevent me from ever getting pregnant or I have some other dread disease that causes infertility, I'm starting to notice a symptom that the pill is getting out of my system. So I suppose that should cheer me up a little.
Symptom: I'm ridiculously horny.
I apologize for being blunt, but it's true. When I started researching the birth control pill I saw some side effects concerning one's libido, but I didn't notice any real change. That is, until I started Zoloft a year and a half ago.
Yes, I am on antidepressants and yes, I need them. I've had three major depressive episodes in my life...one at 15, one at 22 and one again at 24 when My Husband deployed. I was suicidal during each and practicing self-harm. Being enrolled in military health care (and away from my parents' home and opinions), I felt comfortable to start seeing a therapist and taking medication. The way Doc (my psychologist) explained it, my history of depression means I don't have enough serotonin in my brain to function effectively. I need medication, like vitamins, to contribute what my body can't produce on its own. I'm also learning coping mechanisms in therapy and working out regularly to attempt to boost my natural serotonin levels.
Anyway.
Zoloft also tends to lower a person's sex drive, so this is pretty much a one-two-punch to my libido. It wasn't a huge issue, since My Husband was gone for 12 months, but six months after his return I still had to work to get "in the mood." That is no longer the case.
I'm not a raging nymphomaniac, but I am finding it difficult to be physically without My Husband for days at a time. As my last post illustrates, I'm dreaming about kissing other men. I'm attracted to people I wasn't before (Hugh Laurie on House. Weight-lifters wearing those dopey toed shoes at the gym. And a few of my husband's Army associates, but I won't name names). Embarrassing.
I want to flirt with strangers, which is so unlike me. I'm living vicariously through television couples with highly romantic storylines. I do a double-take whenever I hear a nice deep baritone, especially if it's slightly raspy (I think that's what first attracted me to Hugh. And if he ends up Googling himself and reading this, keep up the good work being sexy).
Things are just...hotter...than normal, you know what I mean?
And since the ovulation tests show there are no eggs on deck yet, I have to assume my spike in sexuality is due to the lack of hormones fucking with it (pun intended).
I'm not completely sure how to cope with this new development. I could discuss it with Doc, but I'm a little uncomfortable talking about sex with him...he's a 60-year-old Mormon from Montana.
Luckily for me, My Husband's field exercises end tomorrow and he won't have to leave again until after Memorial Day. If having sex every day doesn't sate me, then I have something new to think about.
Dulling the fear that six years on the pill will prevent me from ever getting pregnant or I have some other dread disease that causes infertility, I'm starting to notice a symptom that the pill is getting out of my system. So I suppose that should cheer me up a little.
Symptom: I'm ridiculously horny.
I apologize for being blunt, but it's true. When I started researching the birth control pill I saw some side effects concerning one's libido, but I didn't notice any real change. That is, until I started Zoloft a year and a half ago.
Yes, I am on antidepressants and yes, I need them. I've had three major depressive episodes in my life...one at 15, one at 22 and one again at 24 when My Husband deployed. I was suicidal during each and practicing self-harm. Being enrolled in military health care (and away from my parents' home and opinions), I felt comfortable to start seeing a therapist and taking medication. The way Doc (my psychologist) explained it, my history of depression means I don't have enough serotonin in my brain to function effectively. I need medication, like vitamins, to contribute what my body can't produce on its own. I'm also learning coping mechanisms in therapy and working out regularly to attempt to boost my natural serotonin levels.
Anyway.
Zoloft also tends to lower a person's sex drive, so this is pretty much a one-two-punch to my libido. It wasn't a huge issue, since My Husband was gone for 12 months, but six months after his return I still had to work to get "in the mood." That is no longer the case.
I'm not a raging nymphomaniac, but I am finding it difficult to be physically without My Husband for days at a time. As my last post illustrates, I'm dreaming about kissing other men. I'm attracted to people I wasn't before (Hugh Laurie on House. Weight-lifters wearing those dopey toed shoes at the gym. And a few of my husband's Army associates, but I won't name names). Embarrassing.
I want to flirt with strangers, which is so unlike me. I'm living vicariously through television couples with highly romantic storylines. I do a double-take whenever I hear a nice deep baritone, especially if it's slightly raspy (I think that's what first attracted me to Hugh. And if he ends up Googling himself and reading this, keep up the good work being sexy).
Things are just...hotter...than normal, you know what I mean?
And since the ovulation tests show there are no eggs on deck yet, I have to assume my spike in sexuality is due to the lack of hormones fucking with it (pun intended).
I'm not completely sure how to cope with this new development. I could discuss it with Doc, but I'm a little uncomfortable talking about sex with him...he's a 60-year-old Mormon from Montana.
Luckily for me, My Husband's field exercises end tomorrow and he won't have to leave again until after Memorial Day. If having sex every day doesn't sate me, then I have something new to think about.
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